no pain...no gain?

Hello again. Hello

2009-12-31T14:37:00.000-08:00

Third time is a charm, eh?

4 years ago today I started this, 15 months ago I abandoned it.

Today, I sit here at 282 lbs. 22 lbs more than when I started. 61 lbs more than in May 2006 when I left for a trip to Amsterdam.

I do little exercises right now. I do a lot of stretching and light weights for my back. Seems I have a problem at the T-4 vertebrae, putting extra pressure on the muscles around that area. And, due to my neglecting to do much of anything with my right shoulder for the past 18 months, I have muscle atrophy in the right shoulder. So I currently experience pain and fatigue. And a big fat belly.

Like a bowl full of jelly.

As I sit here, I want to say that I will eat less, I will run more, I will use the Bowflex more often, I will stretch regularly. And I want to be something other than what I am, physically. I've done it before, years ago. I hope I can do it again.

Fed up with your indigestion, swallow words one by one.

2008-09-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

Ah, my monthly post, it seems. I don't want to only post once per month, but it seems I have very little of interest to say. I'm getting fatter and fatter.

As of this morning, I am 262.5 lbs. Oh, how I have fallen. But, for the first time since I started the diet, I have my house stocked with all the proper food needed to eat healthy and lose weight. Therefore, as of this morning's breakfast, I am back on the 1600 calorie diet. Here's hoping it lasts longer than the last time I started it.

The last entry in my food diary is Januuary of this year. I tried for like 3 days to follow my food. But this time...

this time...

this time...

It will all be different. I feel sometimes like a junkie, needing my next fix of calories. And I keep saying I'll come off it, I won't eat more, and then every time I eat more and more. So here I am saying that I will be good. Give myself six weeks of this at the least. Eat well and exercise.

Speaking of exercising, the running has been coming along nicely, surprisingly. I've been running 2.25 miles every day. It isn't great, but it is steady. I haven't been able to do it every day, but I get at least 4 runs in per week. Starting this week, I will be running 5 times per week. And let's see where this takes me, eh?

262.5 lbs. Fuck, how did I get here? Well, I am getting myself out of this mess!

Just a puppet on a lonely string: oh who would ever want to be king?

2008-08-03T16:09:00.000-07:00

It has been an interesting week or two. I was doing alright for a few days, and then something happened and it seems the two vertebrae went back out of place. Yeah me. So I need to get back to the physical therapist to get it back in place.

I've been eating better. Well, let's say that I've been eating healthier, more fruits and vegetables. I've still been eating too much more often, but I am hoping that I will get that under control soon enough.

The problem is I still can't run on the treadmill. I haven't tried to run recently, but I can barely walk at times. It isn't that I am hunched over in pain constantly, but I have to keep stretching when I walk around a mall and such. You can't be running on a treadmill and trying to stretch at the same time.

I fell like a yo-yo sometimes. Some days it is good, some days it is bad. And I get tired about the pain and about the inability to do much about it. I wish there was a pill I could take to get rid of the pain. I don't think I've ever had pain like this that won't go away. And I don't think I would have ever understood people who've had this constant pain before. It effects everything you do, all day long.

So what happens when this never, ever goes away? How do I get back into shape if my body is in constant pain? How do you have a productive life when you can do so little so often?

Several of my co-workers did a 5K run this weekend. I really, really wish I could have done it with them, even if I had to walk half of it. I don't really like running outdoors, but I believe I
could do it for 5 kilometers. That's 3.1 miles. I have done that before, I know it. Maybe not out in the wild (or whatever the course would be) but I know I can do it.

And that is my new goal. I want to complete a 5k run outdoors.

Oh yeah, I am 254.5 lbs. Fuck me.

I don't want to take advice from fools, I'll just figure everything is cool

2008-07-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

Hey there. Been a while. As this blog is supposed to be about eating right and exercising, and since I haven't done much of that recently, no reason to update.

Sad but true.

I have been working at physical therapy for the past 2 months again. My upper back was so bad sitting at work was just about all I could do each day.

Sadly, I then deconditioned myself so bad that once I started to feel better, slightly, I was too weak to keep up regular daily of living activities.

The PT seems to have actually found out what is wrong with me. 7 vertebrae were out of alignment. It took her one adjustment to get 5 of them in place. Why couldn't my last physical therapist figure this out so quickly.

Now two of the vertebrae are fighting me, but they are (currently) in place, and have been for the past 2 weeks, so I am hoping this has worked out.

Now that it is in place, I have to start working on muscle growth. From under use and a natural muscle placement from my sedentary job, my back muscles are weak, and we all need strong back muscles to stay healthy, especially those of us with desk jobs.

Running has been on hold for about a month as the PT thought it was too jarring when we were doing the delicate work on getting the last two vertebrae back in place. There is a chance that they weren't staying in place after every adjustment due to my going home and running 2-2.5 miles 5 times a week.

So here I sit, fatter than I've been for a long time - about 255 lbs. I saw "about" as I've not had the guts to get on a scale in a while. But I am hoping that I don't have anything but the regular weakness in the back, and no sharp or burning pains, for the next few weeks so that I many finally jump back on to the treadmill.

And then I have to start eating well again. Yeah, healthy eating has taken a back seat as well to just shoveling food again.

It seems like an uphill battle, but once tha back is better, I can do it.

And fuck Mr. Murphy. And fuck my other physical therapist. And fuck my insurance company (I am now having to pay out of my own pocket for some of this health care. I know I'll get it back in the end, but it is annoying right now.)

Bitter, party of one.

I’m not gonna write you a love song ’cause you asked for it

2008-04-21T17:55:00.000-07:00

I lose the track that loses me, so here I go

2008-04-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a few weeks, but I keep on keepin' on. Been running regularly, 5 times each week, missing a few times here and there, mostly due to doing other activities. I didn't run yesterday, but spent over 2 hours at softball practice, so I got plenty of work in.

I've been eating poorly, but what's new about that? I eat well for a few days and then binge. It is frustrating, to say the least. But what can I do but keep chugging forward.

Still having some back problems. A sharp pain under my right shoulder blade that radiates outwards, sometimes up to my shoulder, sometimes down to my lower back. I was at my physician's office Friday, and he isn't sure what else can be done. Not certain if it is a torn muscle or a pinched nerve. I think it is a muscle problem, but it's location is making it difficult to treat. It's not like I can just stop using my right arm and shoulder.

Next Monday April 21 I am going to an orthopedic specialist just to make sure there isn't anything else that needs to be done. The annoying part is that I have to drive to the hospital we went to following the accident to get the actual films from the MRI & CAT scans so that the orthopedist, who is affiliated with a competing hospital system, can look at them directly. The hospital won't send him the films. Anyway I go to the hospital, I have to pay for parking. That is frustrating.

And I get to go on Neurontin for the back pain on a chronic basis. Neurontin is a muscle relaxer and pain reliever. In reading up on it, it is also used to treat bipolar disorder. I wonder what that side effect will be. Maybe I will be happier about the pain, who knows? I do know that I have never wanted to be on any prescription on a daily basis, so this is angering me. For the next 90 days, I am going to regularly taking a possible mind altering drug.

I guess this whole post should be titled "Thank you Mr. Murphy, you fuck face: I hate you!" (The medication will help me with that anger, I guess.)

Let me feel the car crash 'cause I'm dying on the inside; just take me to the car crash 'til I'm open wide

2008-03-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

It has been one year since the car accident. I would love to say it had no effect on me at all, but I know that this is a lie. I am a more cautious (some would say paranoid) driver. I've been in car accidents before, but usually just minor fender benders or, like when I was 15, the passenger in a car that hit a tree. But this is the first time that I saw the effects of another car jumping the median strip at a high rate of speed and hitting another car.
I say I saw the effects as I still have no memory of the accident itself. Waking up with blood pouring out of my head is my first memory. I think part of me still can't believe that we all survived the accident. It just looked so amazingly brutal to have any survivors.

I don't normally talk about my job here (actually, I've never talked about my regular job here) but it involves deaths from accidents, and many of them are from car accidents. I would be lying if I said that it hasn't effected some of my work to some degree. For the first few months, every time a car accident hit my desk, I'd think again and again about our accident. I have seen many less horrific looking vehicles after an accident that caused death. And here we all stood (even the fuck-ups from the other car), all alive with no catastrophic injuries.

I am not trying to minimize all of our injuries, because the three of us in the BMW had some major injuries, but it wasn't death. And death was an distinct possibility. I don't like thinking about it, but many times I can't help but think about it.
We have all had physical problems since then. I have gained over 20 pounds now (was up 30 pounds since the accident but have lost 7 pounds this year) and still have back and shoulder problems that sometimes make running difficult. It makes it tough to think I have to start the dieting and exercise from such a low point after working so hard to lost that weight.

But I am going to make a better go of it now. I can't believe my back and shoulder will hurt forever. It will get better, I will get a handle on it and be able to run at will and be able to lose the weight and get healthy.

I have to think that I am happy we all survived. I think I will be stronger for it. I think I understand a little bit of life that I didn't understand before. I know that sounds cheesy, maybe even a bit naive, but I am a little wiser for it.

The title of this post is from a song by Matt Nathanson. I don't believe the things the song says, but the line seemed to fit this entry. I didn't want to feel the car crash, but I did, and I am glad I survived.

Look around you find the ground is not so far from where you are but not too wise

2008-03-04T17:15:00.000-08:00

The week is going well so far. Two days, Two 2.65 mile runs in 30 minutes. I'm doing alright on food. Certainly not great, but alright. I can see that I need to get into the right frame of mind to decrease the calories, and I think making the decision to play on the softball team has helped me get into that frame of mind. I can be trying to run down the fly balls with this large belly flopping around.

I am starting to organize my food here at my place. I need to buy a few more fresh vegetables and fruits. I have some good frozen and canned goods, but I need to stock up some more and get the food scheduled. That was an important part the last time I successfully lost weight. What helps most of all is being organized and having the right food available instead of crappy food.

I will say that I didn't go to my job at the movie theater on Friday as we had a huge snow storm here, and the more I watched it come down, the more it reminded me too much of the storm that hit the Pittsburgh area last March 16, when we were in a car accident. And in reality, I just didn't think that I wanted to be out there for a low paying, second, weekend job. And that is what I told the manager when I called in to tell them. And his response was "I wouldn't come in either." Therefore, I had a three day weekend. Good for me. I need more of those.

Down to earth then sinks the sun; down to earth then sinks the sun - when the day is done.

2008-02-29T16:36:00.000-08:00

I have had a very good week. I was able to step up the running and am up to 2.65 miles 3 times this week so far. I ran regular on Monday then decided to I need to work on running faster, so I did. I know it doesn't sound like much, but considering that I felt stuck for a few months on 2.55 miles it is a nice little accomplishment. I will do this for a few weeks and then step it up a little again.

I've eaten horribly, so I am ignoring that for now. I am stuck at 248.5 pounds. I go up and down 1-2 pounds or so but I keep coming back to 248.5 pounds. I have to start losing weight soon, though, as I made the decision to play softball this summer.

After thinking about it, I really want to play softball again. Also, I think that wanting to play softball will help give me motivation to focus on losing weight. So tomorrow, I go to our first meeting for the season. If you would have asked me at the end of last season, I would have bet money that I wouldn't play this year. But I am surprised by the pull of competition I feel. I just have to take it easier on the field, not get annoyed or angry at my teammates.

Finally, since I have mentioned it in the past, I want to say that my grandfather is doing much better. To the surprise of his physicians, he is gaining weight and getting more independent. That is the best news I've had all year. I am hoping he continues to get healthier and more comfortable in his independence.

I never held emotion in the palm of my hand or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree

2008-02-24T17:52:00.000-08:00

I know I've written a lot about my second job at the movie theater, and sometimes I've made it look bad. I actually enjoy the job 99.9% of the time. Then there are the rare times when it becomes frustrating. Yesterday was one of those times.

Just to complete the week on my exercise, I ran for 2.56 miles in 30 minutes yesterday morning before getting to the movie theater at 2 pm. That was 5 times running in the week. Good for me, eh? Then I went to work.

The first 90 minutes went swimmingly. The usual cleaning theaters, straitening things and catching people stealing movies. Then I went to Theater 2 to clean up. I saw three people, two women and a man, sitting at the top row as the movie credits ended. I thought nothing of it. I sat down in the corner by theater 5. I saw these three people walk past the lobby and keep walking towards the other theaters.

After a few moments, I saw the two women walk back up the hallway to the concession stand to get free refills on their jumbo popcorn and jumbo drinks. At that point I figured they dropped the guy off at another movie, so I walked to Theater 11 and stood in front to check their tickets.

After a few minutes, I saw them turn the corner. The older woman had her jumbo popcorn and drink on one of the cardboard trays. As they approached me, I asked for their tickets. Without slowing down, the older woman said to me "We threw them away," and walked around me. I stepped back quickly and stood in front of them and said "I need to see your tickets to get into this theater."

The younger woman said "Didn't you hear her? We threw them away," and again they both walked around me.

I went around them again and stepped in front of them - again. I said in my sternest voice "I need to see your ticket to get into this movie."

The older woman shoved the tray into my chest, pushed me out of the way with it and said "I told you we threw them away and you can't see them." and walked down the aisle and walked up the stairs. I want to point out that the movie had been running for about 25 minutes at this time and there were a fair amount of people watching the movie.

I gathered myself and walked up the steps to the top, where they were sitting. I took out my flashlight and shone it down and asked for their tickets. The younger woman looked at me and with a sneer said "Can't you hear, they got thrown away and so we can't show them to you."

The older woman said "Are you security?"

I shone the light on the theater's emblem on my shirt and said "I work here and I am asking for your tickets, and if you don't have them you have to leave."

The older woman looked at me and said "You are an usher. Go clean another theater."

I will say that the man that was with them never looked away from the movie and acknowledged me.

I left and had my manager come in and talk to her. The woman refused to leave even when the manager told them to leave.

The manager had to call the police, and it even took the police almost five minutes to get these three people out of the theater. And the first thing the older woman said was "Why did they ask us for tickets? Is it because they are prejudiced?"

There you have it - caught stealing a movie, treating an usher and manager of the theater with disrespect at best and disdain at worst, and refusing to leave the theater asked, and it all comes down to a question of race. That must be it.

Forgotten while you're here, remembered for a while: a much updated ruin from a much outdated style

2008-02-22T07:52:00.000-08:00

Four down and one to go. I have had a good weak of running except for that strange weakness on Tuesday. And even then, I finished at least the 30 minutes exercising by walking.

The routine I've gotten into running includes a three minute walk at minute 17 to minute 20. I slow down to three mph and walk. Two months ago it was slowing down for five minutes starting at minute 15, so I have gotten better. I just need to keep on going more and more. I was up to 3.15 miles in 30 minutes before I went to Thailand last February. I would like to get up to that distance again.

I do think I need to lose weight before I can get the stamina to run that far. I've read it before that one pound above the waist is like 2 pounds of pressure on your legs. I remember running when I was thinner and my legs weren't getting tired like they do now. If I can control my food intake, I know I can get back to where I once was.

So, as it has been, it seems I have a long way to go to get there. I am going to keep positive and try to get focused. It's like the power of positive thinking now. I can do it. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darnit, people like me. Yeah, that's it.

Do you hope to find new ways of quenching your thirst,? Do you hope to find new ways of doing better than your worst?

2008-02-20T16:18:00.000-08:00

Well, I feel better than yesterday. I ran for 2.66 miles in 30 minutes. I will have to say that I was feeling a little weak at the end of it, but not enough to stop me or even slow me down.

The guy who sits next to me at work is a marathoner. We sometimes talk running (I usually feel like a a padawan next to a Jedi master to be honest) and he said it sounds like I might have had a sugar crash, and he figured that out without me telling him that I had a bit of chocolate right before I left work at 6:30 pm. I am hoping he is correct because I don't want to feel that weak again while running. And I don't want to get sick right now.

I need to start getting serious about weight loss again. The running is great, but in order lose weight I need to control my caloric intake. As can be seen from the last few months, I keep talking the talk but not walking the walk in weight loss. Even yesterday I chowed down on chocolate bars and cupcakes when I wasn't even hungry.

Oh, and Toby is coming into town today. Maybe. He is supposedly driving in as we speak, but he is a slow driver and it may take him a day and a half to drive from Chicago to Pittsburgh. That is usually a 6-8 hour drive for most people. He started at around 11 am his time (noon est) and he has just crossed the Indiana-Ohio border (he called while I was typing that last sentence, so I know exactly where he is right now.) That is 8 hours to get what should have taken him less than 3 hours. This means that I am probably in for a very frustrating weekend dealing with him.

How cold it grows and nobody sees how shaky my knees: nobody cares how steep my stairs

2008-02-19T16:57:00.000-08:00

I had the strangest experience today while running. I had only had a little problem running but was able to do the usual up until minute 23. And then I started feeling weak. I didn't do anything different. And then at minute 24 I put it up to 7 mph for the last 2 minutes of running. And then I felt waves of weakness. I actually thought for a moment that I was going to pass out. I decided to slow it down to 3 mph and try to catch some strength. I just walked the rest of the time, getting up to 2.33 miles in 30 minutes.

I went to cook dinner, and while waiting to make some sausage, I was shaking so much I had to make a quick sandwich just to get some energy into myself. It still took about 20 minutes before I stopped shaking.

I haven't felt sick or weak all day long. Felt normal, except for the back and shoulder pain. Ate well all day, maybe just a bit more than I should have but not too much. I had mixed berries, a good serving of pineapple, a banana and raisins: very good day for some fruits. I had plenty of fiber and calories. I don't know why I was so weak while running. It was frustrating, but at least I was still mobile for 30 minutes.

For the sound of a busy place is fine for a pretty face. Who knows what a face is for.

2008-02-17T16:10:00.000-08:00

I missed running on Friday, so I only ran 4 times this week. I worked at the movie theater Friday during the day and just wasn't in the mood to run by the time I got home. I'm not too worried though. I've been doing quite well with my running, so that isn't the problem. Eating has been the problem.

We had a special group in the movie theater today, so I was asked to work. I normally don't work Sundays, but they really needed as many people as they could get to work. A company pays to have it's employees come from 10 am to 5 pm and see as many movies as they want with free popcorn and drinks. We get around 2,000 extra people roaming the halls and going in and out of all movies.

So I'm cleaning a theater, and in the front row is a purse. I moved it to the end of the first row so that I can bring it to our Lost and Found when I'm done cleaning. Another customer was walking down the steps and leans in to pick it up. I look over and say "Is that your purse?"

She looks at me and says "No, but I'll bring it to your Lost and Found."

I give her a questioning look and tell her "I'll bring it up there when I'm done here."

She looks up at me, knots up her face and actually said to me "Well, don't rifle through it before you bring it up."

I stop cleaning and say "That is why I'm bringing it up and not you. We don't want it rifled through." She starts walking away and I look at my co-worker and loudly say "I guess because I'm cleaning up a theater, I must be a thief. I must be so desperate for money that I am going to steal from a purse left behind."

What I wanted to say was "FUCK YOU CUNT!" and run down and punch her in the back of the head. But was able stop myself. That would have been rude. And probably would have got me fired and arrested (the punching part.)

Why do people think I am the lowest form of life when I work at the movie theater? I have been accused of being a racist and a thief, told I am a janitor and a minimum wage worker, and called a loser and uneducated. And it is just a weekend job for me, get a few shekels and see free movies, hang out with my nephews and mother who work there and, generally, have some fun. And most of the time I do have fun. But some people try to ruin it for me. Well, fuck'em. I'm going to keep working there and have some fun.

And time has told me not to ask for more. Someday our ocean will find its shore.

2008-02-12T15:29:00.000-08:00

Things are going better in my life. At least nothing is too bad at the moment. I have been running 5 times a week, up to 2.56 miles in 30 minutes. I have been slowing going faster and this has helped. I can't run straight through the 30 minutes, taking a 3 minute walking break in the middle of the run, but I am not faulting myself for that.

My eating hasn't been controlled too well. I can do it for one or two days, and then I will pig out and eat whatever I can. And, the worst part for those that know me is that I am wasting money buying chips and other snacks during the work day. I am wasting money and taking in too many calories. I am still working on ways to control my calorie intake.

Everything with my life seems to be in a holding pattern. My grandfather is doing better, gaining strength and stabilizing. It is good to see him get some of his strength back. He is in no pain now, so that is excellent as well.

I can't think anything bad going on in the past few weeks. I work at my regular job, work at the movie theater and then spending down time at my grandfather's house. It is winter here, so it isn't too good out there. A lot of snow shoveling and trying to keep warm.

Oh, and it seems my softball team has asked for a decision on who will play this year or not, so I need to get back to them on that. I haven't made up my mind, and it is annoying me that I can't seem to make that decision. I love playing softball, but I don't know if I want to play this year, or if I want to play with this group of players. I don't know why the idea of not playing is so appealing. I have to answer that, and soon.

Where does the time go when it's not around here? I don't know

2008-01-20T08:03:00.000-08:00

This has been a tough week for me and my family. My grandfather, the strongest man I've ever known, has been diagnosed with lung cancer and is currently in the hospital. We have been advised that it is inoperable. We are hoping to stabilize him at the hospital and then get him home. He wants to be home. We will respect his wishes.

I don't know if I want to talk about it too much here. It isn't that I don't want to talk about this great man, but I don't know if I want to air that in this public place. He has been a huge influence on my life, and it would be difficult for me to do justice to him with anything I could write here. And I don't need to be airing my family's pain.

Plus, this is supposed to be about my health. I did run 5 times this week and did a good job eating. I feel better about running and am going to try to run a little faster. I've been able to get up to 2.5 miles every day, and it is getting easier. I think one more week of this and then I'll get up to 2.6 miles. I need to keep progressing in both distance while running and lower calories while eating.

I will try to keep updating more regularly. I don't know how often I'll be able with my family duties. With everything going on in my life, I still need to get healthier.

People said you monkeyed around, but nobody's listening now

2008-01-14T16:43:00.000-08:00

A handful of us at work decided to start a support group to lose weight. Or at least help each other lose weight. We even have a spreadsheet for all of us to track our possible weight loss. It is called TOG for Tub Of Goo. I am hoping this will be the little kick start to get me going.

Today has gone well, eating well and I ran 2.5 miles. I will have to say that it was hard to shut off "The Bourne Ultimatum" after only 30 minutes.

I have been thinking about my usual summer activity: Softball. I am not sure I will do it this summer. I just think I need a rest from it for a year. I have a few months to decide, but if I had to make the decision today, I don't think I'd play. Last year just sucked for me.

I want to describe how a woman told me at the movie theater this weekend that I am a racist. All because I caught her and her family trying to steal a movie. But I don't want to degenerate this into an angry blog. But it makes me hate people more.

I guess that's when the penny finally dropped: you're as clueless as I am

2008-01-03T17:21:00.000-08:00

The plan for the rest of this week is to keep running and finish my bad food while still reducing calories. So far it has worked. I have clocked in at about 2600 calories each of the past two days, which is better than the 3-4,000 calories I have been eating each day for the past few months. By the weekend most of my bad food will be gone, I will give the rest of it to my parents, and then get ready to be healthy all over again.

My running isn't doing too bad, but I still can't RUN for 30 continuous minutes - I can only run for about 15 minutes, then walk at 3 mph for about 4-5 minutes, then ramp it back up until I do the cool off period for last 4 minutes. It just gets to feeling like my legs weight 400 pounds when I run too long. That might be the extra 35 pounds above the waist that is doing it.

I went to my physician's office a few weeks ago for blood work (and to get the referral for even more physical therapy) and my cholesterol level is down. In March 2006 it was at 227. As of December 7, 2007 it was at 203. This is significant because over the prior 5 years, my cholesterol has progressively risen. This is the first time it has gone down. My HDL and LDL levels were actually only slightly high. And my blood sugar level was great. Overall, everything is better, except my fat belly.

Physical therapy is going well. This week my back has been better than it has been for months, at least since October. And nothing has felt really good involving my back since the accident (don't you get tired of me talking about that? Fuck knows I'm tired of talking about it.)

I now have a plan going forward. I need to keep up with the plan for the foreseeable future - another 20-30 years. At least until the end of March. And I do want to start weight training in the Spring on the Bowflex. We shall see.

These are the last words I have to say; that's why this took so long to write. There will be other words some other day; that's the story of my life

2007-12-31T18:03:00.001-08:00

It has been 2 years today since I started this blog. I haven't been very good at the upkeep recently, but I hope to get better in the future. I weighed myself this morning at 252 lbs. I ran for 2.4 miles. I have been good at running, but sitting at a chair or on a couch has be in pain, so I am in physical therapy for some pains in my back. Fucking car accident!

Starting the new year, I plan on eating better.

And exercising more.

And updating the blog regularly.

Can't wait for o-8; it's gotta be better than this past year.

Now that you have gone, theres no other. Tempted by the fruit of another

2007-11-03T07:36:00.000-07:00

What a week it has been. Toby was in town until Wednesday, so it became half a week of dealing with his specific personality traits. And now it is my niece's wedding today, and she has been back in town since Wednesday with her fiancée, so the second half of the week has been her visiting and helping my sister with some details. But around all his weirdness, I was able to run 5 times this week. I got up to 2.43 miles each day.

Starting tomorrow, the day after the wedding, I will be getting back into eating healthier. I have been so bad for so long, I need to take it seriously. I don't know if I can get back to 1,600 calories each day at first, but I will get to 2,000 calories tomorrow and the next week or so, then, right after Thanksgiving, I will get down to 1,600 calories until Christmas. I know I can do it with focus.

As I said, today is my niece’s wedding, and I am a little embarrassed to be this fat. As of Monday, I was at 253.5 lbs. I know how I got here, and now it is time to take all that I have learned since the accident. Hell, I need to use everything I've learned since I started running just over 2 year ago and get healthy. I don't see this as different diets or regimens. This is all a continuation of the same thing. And I can do this. I can lose the weight and stay healthy. Just need to focus.

Other people turn around and laugh at you if you said that these are the best days of our lives

2007-10-26T05:55:00.000-07:00

It has been a few weeks since I’ve written, but I have been running 5 times a week. I’ve gotten up to 2.4 miles each time. Not too bad, but I am not doing so well with the food.

I have found that running without calorie reduction isn’t that good. As a matter of fact, in my weigh-in on Monday I was 252.5. What the fuck! I am running more, but I am consuming so many calories I keep gaining more and more weight. This is just annoying.

Speaking of annoying, I have muscle spasms in my back. I didn’t realize how painful muscle spasms are. So I am on a muscle relaxant, an NSAIDs (Non-steroid anti-inflammatory drug) and moist heating pad every evening as well as daily back stretching exercises. The pain burns down my back into the low back. Then, after a long day of sitting at work, my neck starts to ache. I’ve been on the medications for three days and getting slowly better. Slowly being the key word.
That is one of the main reasons I haven’t been able to write. After a long day struggling though the work day I just don’t want to come home and sit in front of a computer (this blog entry has taken my about 1 ½ hours to type so far.) Oddly, I can run with no problem at all. As a matter of fact, running seems to make my back feel better. Not for long, but it does feel better.

Now I need to control calories. But I don’t seem to have any self control. I don’t know why. I want to stop eating so much food; I bring good things to work to eat, then I get there and eat out of the vending machine. Then I get home and just don’t stop. Once I can get back to where I once was, I’ll be good since I’m running.

Well, as long as my back gets back to normal. Being in back pain regularly sucks. Maybe then I can get back to updating this blog regularly while working hard.

Oh, and I’ve grown a beard. For the winter, of course.

I like to take a walk out in the midday. Ah, but I avoid the city after dark

2007-10-07T15:16:00.000-07:00

Not a bad week for me. I ran 5 times for over 2.2 miles each time. Eating still a problem, but I will get there soon. I know I can run, and I think next week I’m going to try to reach 2.5 miles each time.

Here is what I’m having a problem with the “gay scene” in Pittsburgh. I know I’m not some great looking guy and I’m not in any type of shape right now. But, if you would have been watching the guys reaction at the bar last night, you would have thought that I was some contagious monster.

Gary & I went out to the Pittsburgh Eagle last night to meet up with a friend of his, Rick, and Rick’s new boyfriend John. We got there first and decided to walk around the second floor, where the dance floor is, and it was, as usual, packed. Gary decided we should walk around the dance floor, and as we walked around, Gary about 5 feet in front of me, I noticed a strange phenomenon. The guys would squeeze a bit closer when Gary walked up to them, and then they were pushing themselves the opposite way when I walked up.

Now I know Gary is smaller than I am, but it started becoming a bit obvious that they were contorting themselves like they were alternate members of Cirque de Soleil! I’ve been to The Eagle many times before, obviously, but I never noticed the guys parting like a herd of elephants were coming through Red Nile right behind Moses when I walked through a crowded room.

It isn’t like I was trying to cruise guys or anything like that. I had my hands on my pockets and was innocently looking around. Maybe it was just me noticing something that wasn’t there, or maybe I was just seeing it for the first time. Maybe the contrast between Gary in front of me having to squeeze through the boys and then the guys jumping out of my way made it obvious.

Or maybe I’m just paranoid. I think I better get a hold of my food intake soon or I might be seeing things that may or may not be there.

So the room must listen to me, filibuster vigilantly

2007-09-25T16:50:00.000-07:00

I can’t say it’s been a bad week, but I didn’t meet my goal last week, and I’m not hopeful of meeting the new goal this week.

Last weeks goal was to make time to run 5 times while also going to the Franklin Institute Friday to see the King Tut exhibit in Philadelphia. I was able to do that (as well as see a few outdoor sites while I was there like the Rodin statue of The Thinker in front of the Rodin Museum I am posing with in the picture.)

However, I only ran 3 times and became lazy. I got back on the treadmill yesterday, and again today. Ran better today, up to 2.25 miles in 30 minutes, but I’m unhappy with the progress from last week.

This week I was going to eat better, but that hasn’t happened so far. I seem to have some psychological disconnect when it comes to eating well. I did well until 10 am Monday when we had breakfast supplied by work, at which time I ate 2 muffins and 2 bagels by the end of the day. Today wasn’t much better. I don’t have much hope for tomorrow either.

Gary was asking me to go out Saturday, and I keep not feeling like going out. I finally figured out my aversion to it. I explained how, when I lost the weight, I was feeling good about myself, but now that I’ve gained a lot of it back, when I go in public places like a gay bar, I can only think about how big my belly is. I try to pull my shirt out more, try to hide it with my hand over my stomach, try to sit in a way that hides it. And my internal monologue the whole time is “They are looking at my belly. They all see how huge it is and are thinking how ugly I am, they all are embarrassed for me.” And that goes on for the entire time I am in a public place with the potential for many gay me. Think of that happening for the 2-3 hours I’d be in public, and I am mentally exhausted by the end of it.

So I choose not to go to gay bars right now. Maybe in a few months I’ll feel better, but right now, I am just going to stay inside and be miserable. Pathetic, isn’t it? Now we see they effects of the “Tub o Goo” comment.

All the old paintings on the tombs they do the sand dance don't you know

2007-09-18T16:00:00.000-07:00

Last week I ran 5 times. Over 10 miles for the entire week. Yeah me! I realized I had to do it, so I just went out and did it. This week so far I’ve run both days and feel good about it. I went a little faster today and got up to 2.25 miles with no problems.

And now for the bad news. I’ve so much food that it is ridiculous. I shoved more and more food into my face the past 5 days. Not that it all was bad, but when I was full, I would just open a bag of whatever I had crunchy around and eat more and more.

I realize now how bad being over stuffed makes me feel, but I don’t seem to have found the willpower to stop myself. Even today after lunch, I was full, but decided to have some whole wheat mini pitas with some garlic hummus (someone went to Trader Joe’s last night) as well as some mini milk chocolate peanut butter cups (and was really bad while at Trader Joe’s). And I sit here now, after I’ve run, and feel so full I almost feel sick. I don’t usually like running when I’m this full, but I had to run.

My mom & I will be off to DC to visit Carl & Darren on Thursday, and then to Philadelphia on Friday to see the King Tut exhibit at the Franklin Institute. While away I will eat authentic Chinese food (Darren is Taiwanese, after all) and probably suck down some beer. After this weekend, I am going to work on cutting calories, as I’ve said before, because I can’t go on eating like this. It is bad for my stomach AND bad for my wallet.

Even when I started running back in 2005, I was controlling my eating through a low carb diet, so I know I have to do it. And I know I can’t just lose weight by running alone. I know I have to control my eating. I just have to keep telling myself this so that I do it.

But getting back to running has made me feel better already, so that is a positive. I want to keep it up this week, taking Friday off only. If I work hard, I can do that (we are leaving Thursday afternoon, so I have to work ½ a day and get a run in before we leave, and then run when I get back home on Saturday.)

I know I’ve talked before about my GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease.) I had problems with it daily since 1995. Last year, I stopped having to take a pill every day after I lost the weight. The heart burn stopped. Well, it has come back, and I recently started taking a pill every day. This has been one of the other incentives to run again. It was nice not to have heartburn all the time, and now I have it again. I see the correlation between my omentum and my heartburn. I am hoping that once I lose some weight, I can again finally be heartburn free.

I have my work cut out for me, but I am confident I can do it. Again. And keep doing it till I am good and healthy. Damnit!

Get back, get back. Get back to where you once belonged

2007-09-14T06:27:00.000-07:00

Four runs this week, each about 2.2 miles in 30 minutes. I am feeling the groove, or the burn, or the pain. Whatever it is I am supposed to be feeling that is a catch phrase for feeling comfortable that is what I am right now.

I am breaking my running into two phases to get through it all. Before, I was warming up for about 5 minutes before going full speed for 21 minutes, then a warm down period. Now, I am breaking it into 15 minute parts. Warm up slower, take 5 minutes warm up again, then run at 6 miles/per for 8 minutes, slow down, then do it again. I am not burning as many calories, but I am active for the full 30 minutes.

I don’t know how long I will do this before I get back to running like I was before. I will slowly push myself to get back to where I once was. I do feel better when I run, so I know that is a good sign.

I will also have to say that all the small aches and pains do show themselves when running. This year in softball, I seem to have tweaked a muscle in my right foot, basically pulled a muscle attached to my big toe. I don’t notice it most of the time, but I can feel it when running. I also have a small muscle strain in the left arch of my foot. I know it has been there for a few weeks, but I only feel it when running.

My left shoulder, hurt on the last day of softball, is still giving me problems, but I am doing some good stretching and strengthening exercises, so it is slowly getting better. It is good to work with doctors and nurses, as I can ask questions to them and can get some simple answers without fearing the worst. No one thinks I tore anything in my shoulder, but pulled a muscle that only time, stretching and more time can heal. If I am still having problems in a few more weeks, or if it doesn’t get better, I will seek medical help, but right now, it is just an annoyance.

Eating is hit or miss this week. I do well for a day or so, and then eat a whole medium pizza in one day. My thoughts now are that I will keep up what I am doing now, then, after my short trip next weekend to DC & Philly, I will try to be more strict, get down to at least 2,000 calories per day for a few weeks until I can get back down to 1,600 calories per day. That sounds like a good plan for now.

And now I must go to the court house here in Allegheny County to get sworn in as a Notary Public. My work at the insurance company needed a Notary, so I volunteered. And now I have to run around on my day off to get the final things done. I wonder if I have to swear to god to become a Notary. I wonder if a godless Notary is as good as one who believes in magical unicorns.

The darkness looming there; maybe it won't work this time, but that's the risk you take (and you want to take it)

2007-09-10T16:36:00.000-07:00

I ran on Friday, but didn’t end up having time Saturday or yesterday. Well, I had time yesterday, but I wasn’t in the mood. If I don’t run on a Saturday, I never am in the mood to run on a Sunday.

But I came home today from work (and rush hour was awful) and ran 2.2 miles in 30 minutes. Not bad at all. I also feel the beginning of some sort of flu thing, but I will get over it.

Sadly, this little under the weather feeling doesn’t seem to be effecting my ability to eat. And since I seem to have given myself permission to eat anything I can, I go for it. So this morning, I weighed in at 247.5 lbs. I do see the importance of running, of course, but I think I need to reign in the eating a bit. Maybe not do the 1600 calories exact, but slow down the eating so I see some progress in the weight loss, instead of no progress or regressions.

I am trying to stay positive with this program, as nothing really worked as well as this last year, and it seems I only need to be strict for about six weeks to get it going, and I can maintain it for the most part.

Back in 1007 (ed. 1997, obviously), I did the Atkins diet, and that worked well for about 6 months. The problem I had with it is that when I went off of it, I’d gain it back quickly, and lose less the next time I was strict. I know I’ve talked in the past about how many times I’ve dieted and failed, but I don’t consider this past year & a half a failure. These are all just bumps in the road, and I know I will be victorious in the long run, because I have to be. Heart disease, obesity, adult onset diabetes and ligament problems are not things I want to deal with in the future, and I need to step up now and be serious. And I see this as a marathon, not a sprint. Small set backs are just that; small.

The title of this entry today is from a beautiful song by Jane Sibbery, “The Life is a The Red Wagon.” Jane is a little nutty, to say the least (on my 37th birthday, she legally changes her name to Issa, pronounced eeee-sah for no apparent reason) but she has a fantastic voice and seems to write songs from the heart. I recommend her, especially her album “Bound by the Beauty.”

One of the most famous (and usually considered one of the most important) American poems of the 20th century is Williams Carlos Williams' “The Red Wheelbarrow,” (although technically, it is call “XXII” for it’s placement in a book of poems Dr. Williams wrote, and many scholars agree that calling it by any other name, such as “The Red Wheelbarrow,” gives more meaning than the poet wanted) a form of imagistic poetry where there isn’t meanings to poems, just things:

so much depends
upon
a red wheelbarrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.

I think Ms. Siberry took this iconoclastic poem and suggested a deeper meaning to the thing Dr. Willaims described, which probably would have angered him. The song is about two friends, and how sometimes, though things are difficult, “you pull me, and I pull for you.” I think this is the simplest foundation for most successful human relationships. Sometimes, my friends help me more than I can for myself, and sometimes I help them. That is the beauty of humans. We pull each other along at the same time others are pulling us along.

(Ed: Obviously, I typed "1007" instead of "1997." I would like the thank Mr. Anonymous, i.e. my pot smoking friend, for not commenting on my deconstruction of a beautiful song and the human meaning of relationships but for pointing out a typo. It would have been funnier to sign in as Dr. Brown and congratulate me for being the second person to invent a time traveling machine.)

I don't mind masquerading with all those other fools. I don't mind the games I'm playing, because I've learned the rules

2007-09-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

I have run all three days this week so far, around 2 miles per day in 30 minutes. I think I am going to keep running and not be as strict on the diet, at least for now. It isn't that I am eating poorly all the time, but I think I need to prove that I can run again to myself before I conquer the eating healthy part.

It sounds like a cop out, even as I type it, but I know what works for me. And like the weight training, I know what won't work right now. After I've been running and prove to myself that I can do it again, then I can start concentrating on the 1600 calorie per day diet. It isn't like I'm going to shove all food down, but I can control the running now, at least I think I can. Once I have my running confidence back, I will be up to the task of eating well.

That aside, I want to tell a little story from Saturday night, at Holly's party. There was a friend of the neighbor at the party, and he is in the navy, has been for 12 years. He was actually leaving a few days after the party, so he was getting his freak on.

Well, in order to impress the women there, he was talking about all the countries he'd been to, and one of the women asked if he'd been to Italy. He said he had been, but won't go back because "The place was full of fags."

Hmmm, yeah, I wasn't about to let that go. Not only was I in attendance, but Holly's brother is gay. So I said "Really? I was in Italy last year, and I couldn't find another fag to save my life." And to make my point clear, I said “And I was looking for some hot Italian ass!”

He realized his "mistake" and tried to backtrack, "Well, I have only been to Naples, and they were everywhere."

"Yeah," I said sarcastically, "I find that hard to believe."

"There were so many there that one of my shipmates got drunk one night and was found the next morning in an alley with his pants down and his ass bleeding."

I, as well as several other party goers, was shocked at this sentence. "So you were saying he was raped?"

Getting defensive, he said "Well, that is what happened. I know the guy."

I'd had enough of his homophobia. "Rape is a crime of control, not of passion."

"I only know the facts, man." he said, sounding like he was getting angry.

"Well, contrary to what you and your navy friends think, us homos don't go around raping innocent seamen for kicks. What happened was your friend wanted fucked, so he got drunk and got fucked in an alleyway. And when he got caught, he lied. Your navy buddy is a butt pirate."

I could tell he was I was getting on his nerves but he wanted to play the testosterone filled man "No, we got the 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy, so why would he do that."

I was flabbergasted. "So you are telling me that this guy got raped and there wasn't some big investigation into it? So when my ex was in the navy for 8 years getting boned at every port, he was actually getting raped?"

I think I was seething by this point. "Your 'Don't ask, don't tell' bullshit only makes the gay seamen lie about why they were getting fucked."

With that, I walked away. I just can't believe that these über-masculine men think that us queers want their asses so badly that we will pounce on them if they get drunk, ripped their pants off, and fuck them if given the chance.

This is the ignorance we are all facing. Yeah, Don't ask, don't tell is a great solution that doesn't hurt anyone.

Fuck ups.

September morning still can make me feel this way

2007-09-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

The end of August came and went, and with it the last few weeks of summer fun. Sure we have a bit more time before fall actually gets here, but it isn't the same. Summer in September isn't summer. It is some hot days and some cool nights, but the nights are longer and the warm weather doesn't last as long.

I love the fall. I know someone who says that people who say they love the fall are lying, that they just want to be different from all the people who say they love summer. But I truly find fall, especially the beginning of fall, like around the start of September, the best time of the year. You still have warmth during the day, and the nights...well, I like not sleeping with the air conditioning on.

This time of the year sees me overweight and struggling to be healthy, just like so many autumns before. Not last year, though. Last year was fantastic. Even with all the struggles, last year has to go down for me as the best one in years.

Last year at this time, I was 215 lbs. I was running 5 times a week and watching, at least during the week, what I was eating. No as easy now as it was then, but I know it is a different year, and I am a different person.

I ran this morning, 2.15 miles in 30 minutes, but that is all I've done since Friday. I know I should have run yesterday or Saturday, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. And when I was on the treadmill today, I just kept wondering why I didn't do this either day. I enjoy running. It clears my head, my lungs and makes me feel better, but if I'm not on the treadmill on those days, it is difficult to get started.

I also ate horribly this weekend. Again, don't understand why. Friday was good, and Saturday started out good, but then I went to Holly's birthday party, and it just became a feeding frenzy that didn't end until yesterday at Gary's house.

This morning I was 246 lbs. I'm only trying to record weight once a week, but I know I was less early last week. All I can do is try harder and harder. Work at it till I get back to what I was, or some semblance of it. I'd love to blame it all on the car accident or the vacations, but reality is that I don't seem to have the same drive that I had last year.

Now that fall is coming, maybe I can just concentrate on being the better me. Not a new me, cause that is just cheeseball in and of itself (had a great cheeseball at the party Saturday night), but it is what I need to believe to do this. Get a handle on it and run and eat well. Doesn't seem that difficult when I say it, but it is tough sometimes to string a couple good weeks together.

They take my voice and they feed my eyes, all I read is a bed of lies

2007-08-31T06:44:00.000-07:00

I was bad yesterday eating, as I thought I'd be. Not horrific (I did stop from downing some mint chocolate chip Pop Tarts) but still, I had a lot to eat at dinner with Holly. We ate at Casbah, where we had some grilled flatbread and 3 different kinds of hummus for appetizer, then I had some fantastic pasta in a red sauce with some homemade sweet Italian sausage. Man, was that fantastic!

I also took yesterday off from running, as I only want to run 5 times a week and don't want a two day break. So this morning, I got up and ran 2.1 miles. Feel great right now, as I just finished a few minutes ago.

I feel a bit more confident that I can do this, unlike the past few months when I thought I'd have a heart attack if I got back onto the treadmill. This is great news to me.

I do think the eating part is going to be more difficult. I seemed to be fine for a day or two, but even Wednesday, I had a bit more than I had planned on, and last night, I didn't have the drive to just order a healthy salad or grilled chicken. I wanted that pasta, and nothing was stopping me. And a loaf of fresh French bread. And a Heineken. And a helping of her sorbet. And those chips at work.

But what made me feel good was getting up today and running so effortlessly. Even last night, I felt like I'd failed again, but it all came back so naturally this morning. Get up, put on running shorts shoes and get on the treadmill. It would have been perfect, except I've been watching what has to be the worst movie in the world, Chumscrubber. I bought it for a dollar at a garage sale, but I don't think it is worth that much! Oh well, live and learn.

The road outside my house is paved with good intentions

2007-08-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

3 days, 30 minutes on the treadmill each day. Not too bad for a tub o' goo. Good thing I don't hold grudges, eh?

Today seemed a little tougher as I had some cramps while running. It makes it more painful, but, as the blog says, no pain, no gain. I just kept going until I was in pain, then I'd slow it down for a while and start back up. I figure a couple of weeks and I will be back to at least running for the 30 minutes instead of some walking interspersed.

I ate well today, though maybe a few extra crunchy snacks at work. Tomorrow is going to be tough as I have a dinner with a friend for her birthday, and we are going to a nice restaurant. I know I will be tempted by all the good foods and an appetizer, but I will try to keep it simple and healthy. We shall see.

Life has just been bopping along regularly now, and that is alright with me. I thought I was in a rut just before the accident, and then I learned what a real rut was.

Gary called me today and harassed me about weight training. I understand that he thinks this is the best way to go, and he did give me his old BowFlex a few years ago that has just languished in my parents basement, but I don't think I can do it right now, for more reasons than just laziness.

I hurt my left shoulder on the last day of softball, and lifting it above my head is painful. There are many times at work that I go to get some text off the shelf and almost drop it. I know this sounds like an excuse, but I'm going to give it a few weeks before I even think about bringing the BowFlex to my house and starting to use it.

Also, I want to lose some weight with my running before I get into weight training. This sounds like a cop-out to Gary, and maybe it is, but I want to do what I know and get comfortable in that before I start expanding. With Gary being so motivated, I don't think he understands that it takes the fatter of us (i.e. Tubs o' Goo) a bit more than to just think "weight training would be great" and then we do it. I spent most of my adult life being extremely sedentary, and to just jump into something new is not only scary, if I don't like it, I might just stop doing it. And I don't want that to happen.

So for the foreseeable future, it will be running and eating healthier. Once I think I've relearned that, then I can look into the weight training. And Gary will be gone to England in 2 weeks, so he can stop bothering me. I'd think about lying to him and say I was weight training (literally, about every second phone call with Gary involves him trying again and again to explain to me that weight training is a better, more efficient way to lose weight. Really gets tiring at times) but he reads this blog, and as much as I might want to, I just don't want to lie on this blog.

By the way, the title is from a Fall Out Boy song, and is meant to be an inside joke. I love inside jokes.

I don't need a reason not to care what you say, or what happened in the end. This is my interpretation, and it don't, don't make sense.

2007-08-28T16:01:00.000-07:00

Day two and I have run both days. Yesterday I ran 1.85 miles, and today 2.1. Not bad at all, though I will admit I wasn't running my hardest, but getting back into the swing of things is important. Slight headache this morning, but that might have been either not getting enough sleep or sleeping wrong. Either way, I took two tylenol and got back on after work.

I've eated well the past two days. That seems to be the hardest part right now, as I want to continue to eat what I want. I hit just under 1600 calories yesterday and will hit just above it today. The first day seems to be the easiest for me, but the second day is the killer.

I so wanted to start a new blog and call it "Tub o' Goo," but I think that would be more self pity, and I want to avoid that right now. To be honest, that is what has gotten me into the gooey state that I am in.

I have spent most of the time since the accident feeling sorry for myself. I know that is ridiculous. I was so extremely lucky not to have been hurt worse, much worse. Hell, of the three people in our car, I got off the luckiest. A few staples, some brain damage and whiplash isn't too bad considering how fast the fucker was going that hit us head-on coupled with the fact that I wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

So forward I look, to a bright future. My health and my attitude affected my softball team and we didn't do too well this season. I know the whole team’s effort doesn't rest on my shoulders, but a few better hits and better defended fly balls by me in the outfield could have made a world of difference. I want next year to be different. I thought about not playing next year to not give myself added pressure, but I want to play, and play better.

Nothing else going on in my little corner of the world, so I should be able to focus on my health. In reading that book, I found out that my omentum is what I need to focus on getting rid of first. This is what has given me my "tub o' goo" look. Once I can get that into order, I can really start the process of shaving the fat off of other places.

I feel better about this than I have for months. And being determined is a great start.

Tub o' Goo out!

You don’t want to turn into a tub of goo

2007-08-26T17:46:00.000-07:00

Normally, the titles of my entries are from songs, movies or books. This one, however, is from real life. My real life. Said about me.

The other day, I was downtown Pittsburgh, waiting for a friend to show up so we could go to a concert at Mellon Arena. As I stood on the corner, about 10 feet from me was a man and a woman. The man clearly worked out; even though he was wearing a suit, you could tell he had a nice chest.

I was being nosy and kind of listening to the conversation, as he was talking to the woman, who looked to be about mid-30’s, about her need to exercise as well as eat healthier. He seemed healthy and I thought I’d see what he had to say.

And that is when he nodded his head to his right, in my direction with no one else in the area, and said “You don’t want to turn into a tub of goo.”

Now, I know I’m paranoid about my weight, but there is no doubt in my mind that he was directing this comment my way. I looked at him and said “WHAT??” The woman got red faced and turned away and the guy stumbled through a comment “Uh, I, uh, wasn’t talking about you.”

I would have said something else to him, but I think I would have burst into tears. I was so angry and ashamed at that moment. And this is the third time in my life someone has said something negative & hurtful about my weight.

One time about 3 years ago, Gary & I were shooting pool at a gay bar. (If I haven’t explained this before, Gary is a good looking guy who works out and, therefore, has a nice physique.) There was a room behind the main bar that was closed off so you could get away from the loud music and talk to someone, and obviously there was a pool table. These four good-looking men came in and sat at the corner of the bar. The bar is L-shaped with a brick pillar at the corner of the L, and I was on one side of the pillar, these guys at the other side of it. One guy who had his back on the pillar said something about the cute guy shooting pool. Another one asked which guy, and, as all of them listened in, the first guy said “Not the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.” Between Gary & I, only one could ever be considered The stay Puft Marshmallow Man. (Considering they were younger, I was slightly impressed with the reference to the 1984 movie Ghostbusters. Also, it seems that in pop culture, a reference to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man can mean something that people assume is harmless - I mean, look at him on the left, so soft and gooey and friendly looking, but is really menacing and evil in the right circumstances, just like me. I should have sat on the fucker when he said that!)

Then, another time out with Gary shortly after the Marshmallow Man incident, some guy was talking to him and I was next to them. The guy asked Gary why he had brought his straight friend, and when Gary said I wasn’t straight, the guy said “I didn’t know gay guys were that fat.”

Those earlier incidents helped me decide to start running. And this new one will help fuel me now. I got up this morning at 248.5 lbs. Tomorrow, I will eat better and, at the least, be on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I don’t want to be thought of as “too fat to be gay,” or the “Stay Puft Marshmallow Man,” or a “Tub of goo.”

Everybody knows it sucks to grow up; and everybody does

2007-07-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

I leave for Edmonton on Tuesday August 7th for my annual trip to the Edmonton Folk Music Festival. That is 10 days away. I am still fat.
Oh, I mention the fat part because I have to bike around Edmonton. I stay with Eltee, my friend that was our tour guide in Thailand, and we bike everywhere. When I started running, one of the things I wanted to be able to do is be better at riding my bike on my annual trip to Edmonton. I am not so sure that I will be able to bike too well this year. I just don’t seem to have the stamina I had last year. I guess I will see in 10 days, eh?

I have run 3 times this week, mostly for about 20 minutes and 1.5 miles. Not too bad, but I’d rather be running more often. I am also eating too erratically. One day, I can keep it around 1600 calories, and other days I just eat whatever I can get my hands on and into my mouth.

I want to write about my new plan, but in doing a little reading into what I’ve previously written, it seems that I’ve done this forever and failed every time except for the initial time I went on the 1600 calorie diet on 03/19/2006. I don't know that I fully realized how many times I've written in this blog that I was goiing to get back on track on a specific day, only to go off track a few days later.

But here it is. I get back from Edmonton on 08/14/2007. I will be fatter than I was before I left (the food is incredible at the folk music festival) and probably won't ride the bike as much as I would have liked and be still out of shape. Therefore, I will come back and spend the first few days buying food and running every day, not just here and there. Then, on Sunday 08/19/2007. I will start the diet back up. 1600 calories per day through that Friday. I will run Monday through Wednesday, take Thursday off, then run Friday & Saturday again.

I will take it from there for week two, but I am sure I can at the very least do one week of this.

After nine days I let the horse run free, cause the desert had turned to sea

2007-07-18T15:03:00.000-07:00

In the year 1087, William the Conqueror found that he was too fat to ride his horse. He had also been publicly disparaged by the King of France, Phillip, who had said that William looked pregnant (this might be the first recorded bitchy comment by a gay man in history, as King Phillip may have actually been a big old queen.)

So what did King William do? He went on what historians now recognize as the first “diet” in recorded history. He changed his food intake to lose weight. As King of England, he set a precedent for his whole kingdom by recognizing that food intake was creating his huge belly, and you needed to reduce the size of your belly to be healthier.

What confused our medieval brethren about weight gain was the fact that people wouldn’t exactly get skinny when they were poor and didn’t have enough food or drink. This was mainly because they would die from thirst long before starvation, but it was also because of the types of foods they ate.

Medieval people had to boil their water for purification, and if they didn’t have food to cook, they usually didn’t have a pot to boil the water and would either not drink water and die from thirst or drink rancid water and die from whatever was in the water. The poor got the cheap foods like white breads & pastries and the fattier/non-meaty parts of the animal, so everyone saw the poor, who may have been eating less, still being fatter. No one saw someone else get really skinny from lack of food.

Sadly, due to the limitation of science at the time (they did still think the Earth was flat then and was the center of the universe), William decided that he should stay in bed. And drink alcohol. He did not recognize the caloric amounts in alcohol, only food. And as William did not keep a blog, we do not know exactly what he plan was, but at least he had a plan.

The good news seems to be that it worked somewhat, because recorded history shows that William did get back on a horse later in 1087, which was his original reason for his weight loss regime. And he was comfortable enough that he looked a little less like he was pregnant to be seen in public. We know that he got back on the horse because he died following injuries suffered when he drunkenly fell off the horse.

If that happened nowadays here in the USA, King William would just breed bigger horses to take his fat ass around the country.

I don’t plan on drinking more alcohol or sleeping all day and only drinking alcohol or riding a horse while drinking alcohol. I plan on keeping up with the treadmill and I want to start eating less. I haven’t been too good on the eating less food this week, but I know what I need to do.

I walked on the treadmill yesterday for 30 minutes and it felt good to do it. Hopefully within the next few weeks, I can do that regularly and get into running. For now, I'm just trying not to be King William.

That guy who wrote that book about the bell curve - my hardest kick in the ass. It's comin' kick in the ass

2007-07-15T16:03:00.000-07:00

I was reading an article a few weeks ago and I came across a section explaining the psychology of what happens when men lose control of something on which you have based your self esteem. Usually depression, sometimes violence. But the feeling off loss becomes tremendous and overpowering.

I saw a lot of myself over the past 4 months (tomorrow will be 4 months since the accident) in the article. Even though things weren’t perfect, I’d spent 17 months running, and subsequently losing a lot of weight. I felt good about myself for the first time in years. I’d accomplished at least one of my major goals, becoming a better softball player. I’d becoming healthier, and seemed to understand, after about 18 years of struggling with my weight, how to actually lose weight.

And it seemed simple – eat less, healthier food and exercise. And I could do it.

That is, until the night of March 16, 2007. After the initial shock wore off a few days later, the pain in my neck started.

I will easily admit that I went overboard with the eating. I have repeatedly told the story of how salmon was the dinner I’d had the night of the accident, and in the hospital bed all I could think about was how I had really wanted pepperoni pizza with extra cheese. And that played on my sensibility.

When I got out, I ate. A lot. I know I’ve written on here the past few months, but I really have eaten pretty much everything I could shovel into my mouth, especially if it was batter dipped and deep fried. And any time I’d try to use the treadmill, I’d end aggravating the whiplash resulting in headaches, weakness and neck pains.

Well, the good news is that I’ve been headache free for the past 11 days. I’ve walked and lightly jogged two days this past week, and the next days I did not have any residual pains. I will say that it was very light walking, and only about 2-3 minutes jogging (total of 30 minutes on the treadmill Monday & Thursday) but it was something, and encouraging that there was no pains.

Now I need to work on controlling the food intake. I am still reading that book I was previous, You on a Diet, so I haven’t figured out if I am changing my diet, but what I want to do is something I know, something I know works. Once I get on a roll running and eating well, I can look into changing it up to suit a specific need, but until then, I want the comfort of what I know.

By the way, my weight last Monday was 243 lbs. That only sounds like 14 pounds over what I was just prior to the accident, but it is actually a much fatter 243 lbs, or that was a much leaner 229 lbs. Either way, my belly is huge right now.

Oh, and I’ll try to get back to updating 3 times a week on here. I think that is actually important, as I can see a progression, a record of my success. And I say success because, really, I seem to write on here when I am successful. No one wants a record of failure, do they?

Oh, and the title of this post is from a song by one of my favorite artists of all time, Moxy Früvous. They started in 1990 as a busking band from Toronto, but they blossomed into a one of the best live bands I've ever seen (I've seen, by my own count, over 500 artists live in concert) and they had a way of wrapping a melody around some great, socially conscious lyrics in many different genres of music. They are currently defunct, but for about a 10 year period, they were the bomb!

You wonder if your chance will ever come, or if you're stuck in square one

2007-07-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

Haven’t been in the mood to update here much as nothing much good has been going on in my world. Not that anything bad has been happening, but it has just been same old same old for me.

I tried exercising on the treadmill last Monday and Tuesday, and by Wednesday, I was having a bad headache and my neck was sore. Very frustrating, to be honest. So I just comfort myself by eating all the food I can. Very stupid and very destructive in one way, but it is just too frustrating.

Work has been hectic, but nothing I can do about that, just keep working. I am on a leave of absence from the movie theater as they aren’t doing as good as they had budgeted, so my weekends have been just letting myself eat and sit around. And repeating.

Softball has been horrendous, to be honest. I’m hitting alright, but I can’t seem to play defense too well. The team is 5-7, which isn’t too bad considering we started 1-5, and one of our games we were winning was postponed when the other team had a runner come home and snap his leg, having to be carted off by the ambulance to the hospital. Our team hasn’t been able to get going like we were last year. Hopefully, we will be able to hit on all cylinders by the time the playoffs come around.

I am hoping that after the Fourth of July, I’ll be able to concentrate better on eating well and maybe using the treadmill for some light workout. And, in the long run, get the BowFlex to my house and start using that, at least for some light weight training. I am making myself no promises, but at least I am still thinking I can get it going once I am healthy.

It's getting to me, making me gloomy. Where were you last night?

2007-06-22T08:41:00.000-07:00

I woke up last night at 3:45 am and had to use the bathroom. Nothing too unusual for that, just was feeling the bladder pressure. So I got up, did my business, and went back to my bedroom.

It was then that I noticed that, sometime in the 4 hours since I’d gone to bed, I’d removed my neck brace. The strange thing is that I don’t remember doing it at all.

There have been a few times where I’ve undone the Velcro straps to loosen it, and I remember waking up and thinking it was too tight, loosened or undid them, and went back to bed. The thing is I remember doing it.

Last night, I undid the straps, took it off, and, as evidenced in the morning, threw the damned thing across the room. All without remembering doing it.

A friend at work tells how she has a habit of getting up and eating in the middle of the night. But she has said that she usually remembers it all, even though she recognizes that she is in some half conscious state when she did it.

She had bought some fudge last week at the Pittsburgh Arts Festival, ate some there and stored the rest in her fridge. She woke the next morning to find the remnants of the wrapper on her kitchen counter and all the fudge gone. As she lives alone, she knows she is the one who did it, but she can’t believe that she doesn’t remember a thing about it.

I, of course, being a good friend, made several jokes about what else she was doing in the middle of the night without knowing it. I was wondering why we can’t channel that energy towards cleaning, or doing laundry. Why does all of our nocturnal, half conscious self have to do bad things? Of course, I predicated my entire line of jokes at the fact that I always remember doing things in the middle of the night.

So here I sit, Friday morning, with a slight headache from not wearing the neck brace because I woke in the middle of the night, tore it off, and in anger threw it across the room. I think that is what I did, cause I can’t remember a thing about it.

Or maybe my cats banded together, heard me gasping for air because I had made it too tight, and with their opposable-thumbless paws, removed the offending apparatus, and made sure they put it far enough away from my reach in the hopes that I didn’t accidentally, while half conscious, retrieve it and put it back on, too tightly, and have problems breathing again.

Yeah, that’s my story. My precious kittens were just trying to save my life. Cause they love me. And they are now considered genetically altered kittens with opposable thumbs. Check out how sweet they look!I wonder if I can get them to move around some furniture in my house so that I can get that BowFlex to fit in here. Cause I don’t seem to have the energy to do it alone. And I’m getting too fat and out of shape to do it on my own. Not in good enough shape to move the one thing that I need to get into shape. Delicious irony, ain't it!

Why don't you like me without making me try?

2007-06-19T16:34:00.000-07:00

Wow. I’ve been really bad at this blogging thing for the past week or so. Like really, super duper bad. So amazingly bad that I haven’t even blogged. Or for that matter, run at all. Or eaten healthy. Or done anything that could make me healthier. What I have done is eat the new Wendy’s BACONATOR! (Can you believe that there is no mention of this 6 strips of bacon on 1/2 pound of beef masterpiece on the Wendy's website? What is that all about?) And sat on my ass as much as possible.

To be fair, I haven’t had too many headaches. My neck still gets sore a bit from time to time, but I have been immobilizing it when I sleep and done the neck exercises the physical therapist told me to do. And I am getting tired of botching about it, so I don't.

But I am still a bit leery to about getting onto the treadmill. Based on the pain I put myself into the last time, I am going to be careful. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t walk on it, but I’ve been way too lazy to even do that part. I’ve just sat around and gotten fatter and fatter. By eating a thing called the “baconator.” And watched some television. Not even some good television (except for The Sopranos series ender which I personally thought was fantastic!) More like crappy “A&E Investigates” and "American Justice" and the like that weren’t even that good.

I want to get healthy. I swear I do, but I hate when I write about it, then go home and sit down to watch how the Long Island Lolita case worked itself out. Or how the Scarsdale Diet Doctor was murdered.

Oh, and I’ve spent plenty of time listening to the Mika Album “Life in Cartoon Motion.” It so far is my summer album. It is fun, danceable, and unique. Kind of a mash between Queen and any Jimmy Somerville led group (he is a queer singer who had hits in Europe with Bronski Beat & The Communard before he went solo.) It is part bombastic glam rock ("Grace Kelly," "Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)") part cabaret ("Billy Brown," "Any Other World") part dance ("Lollipop) wrapped into a nice pop sensibility. If you get the chance to listen to this album, I say do your ears a favor.

Here's hoping the rest of the week is better for me. And maybe I will be better at this blogging thing.

Well now you're lookin' for a world of truth, trying to find a better way. The time has come to see yourself: you always look the other way

2007-06-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

I want my life back.

That is what has been going on in my head this week as I battled headaches, weariness and depression. I know it is such a ridiculous, cliché ridden sentence, but that is what I have thought.

I want the pre-March 16th Mike back. I want to feel good when I wake up in the morning. I want my morning headaches to be about not having enough caffeine from Diet Mountain Dew in my system, not about sleeping in just the wrong way. And speaking of sleep, I want to be able to sleep without my neck immobilized. It ain’t fun.

I want to be able to look to the left without a sharp pain causing me days of agony.

I want to get on the treadmill and run without feeling like the muscles in the back of my neck are ripping slowly with each step.

I want to drive on a certain stretch of the road I live on without staring at the other side, seeing if some other fuck up has decided to cross the fifteen foot wide median to slam into another car I am in.

And I want this stupid self pity to go away.

I know I am blaming, blaming and blaming. I seem to be good at it these days. The anger comes quicker, the letdowns come easier and the pain seems to be constant, even when it isn’t sharp.

I am lucky, and I know it. In my job, I see motor vehicle accidents daily, death daily. I see accidents much lesser than the one I was in rip families apart due to death of a loved one. My accident even showed how much love my family has, such as how they came together in the middle of the night and helped Carl’s boyfriend Darren, all alone that night as Carl & I were stuck in the hospital overnight, when they didn’t know him. My 14 year old nephew showed, even with his teenage angst, to be such a responsible, loving young man when he volunteered to help in doing so many things that weekend for the three of us.

Through no fault of our own, the three of us were in an accident, and we are lucky to be with what can only be considered limited problems. This isn’t to lessen the pain we are all in, but I see, on a daily basis, death, dismemberment, paraplegia, catastrophic loss from accidents that seem less severe, and we are all walking, talking and (mostly) thinking clearly.

But I want my old life back. I want to feel like me again, and not this ball of rage, pain, self pity and depression. I don’t know how to get back to it. And I am tired of using the accident as an excuse for everything wrong right now, but my brain won’t let me stop.

Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody tuesday, Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long.

2007-06-04T07:34:00.000-07:00

I was born in the year of the cock. I don't know if that was prescient, coincidence or providence, cause we all know how I feel about cock. Just saying.

I don't believe in the mythology of these different forms of Astrology, but I do find it interesting. There are obvious and well known types of astrology, like the animals in Chinese Astrology.
And there are the ones we all know is the west, known as Western or Magickal Atrology. I am a Gemeni. Again, I have no belief that the attributions and dispositions of said Gemeni's are embodied in me, but I do find it interesting that the Gemeni is suposed to be a "chatty, versatile (not THAT kind of versatile), communication specialist," and that does seem to describe me (my BA is in Communication, so I am seeing the link.)

In Thai culture, they have a belief that the day of the week you were born on has a related color. I was born in 1969 on a Tuesday, and therefore my color is:
In case you didn't get that, let me put it this way:

One more time that is:

So, in a final look at my own world according to some astrology, I am a pink cock with a dual personality. Hmmm...maybe there is more to this astrology crap than I had originally thought.

If there is, is this a picture of me?

Just curious...

You say it's your birthday, it's my birthday too--yeah

2007-06-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

So as of 2:30 this afternoon, I will have been a living, breathing member of the Earth for 38 years. And how do I plan on spending my 38th year out of the womb? That is the question I have for myself.

In order for me to come up with a plan for 38, I wanted to look back at 37, as it seemed to start out so well. I had just flown back from Amsterdam the day before my 37th birthday, and was looking forward to trips to Rome, Edmonton, London & Thailand in the coming year. I went to all of them and had a great time.

One of the reasons for this blog, as I have reiterated ad nauseum, is for me to be able to follow my progress, habits, see what works, what doesn’t work, et al. (Damn, I am up on my Latin phrases today, eh?) And it works out good today, when I look back and see that I started my 37th year at 226 lbs right after I got back from Amsterdam. And even by the time I was ready to leave for Rome at the end of June 2006, I was only at 221 lbs. It seems that my running on the treadmill problems started right before I left for Amsterdam, and I wasn’t as consistent as I remembered.

Well, not that I was bad or anything, but my goal has been to run 5 times a week, and, from looking back over my archives, I wasn’t consistently running 5 times a week most weeks before March 16, 2007. And, due to problems with the whiplash, I’ve not been able to do it much since then. Last week I ran 2 days and then had a tremendous headache on day 3 and weakness in my left cervical muscle.

I start out today at 237 lbs, a bit of a bigger belly and no stamina or ability for running any distance due to my neck problems. I am going to at least start working on walking, at the minimum, for 30 minutes a day. Get back in the routine of at least using that chunk of time after work for something other than complaining that I can’t do it.

I am going to eat healthier. I don’t exactly know why I’ve done it recently (the book I am reading says that long term stress and depression can cause people to eat more and unhealthier than they are used to) but I’ve let it all go to hell. So starting Tuesday (work is having a little meat & cheese tray for me tomorrow for my birthday, so I won’t be eating healthy then) I will start eating better, and I will walk starting tomorrow.

And finally, here is a picture of me & my special little guy Justin.

He is my nephew who lives in NYC with my brother and his wife. He is 3 year old and a little pistol, so adorable. He, just like his uncle, was recently in a car crash and we were comparing scars on Friday. He asked if I cried, cause he did. I said of course I did (I didn’t let him know I was actually yelling “Fuck!” in lieu of crying when they put staples in my head; he doesn’t need to know that) but my Mom was there for me, just like his Mom was there for him so I was fine, and then he kissed me on the cheek and said he hoped I felt better, cause he felt better. A little tear started welling up at the love little kids can show. And that is when my sister took the picture. Adorable!

Here is to a great 38th year, and maybe some more after that. But I think I have a great opportunity to raise the quality of my life if I can get healthier.

I will kick and scream or kneel and plead; I'll fight like hell to hide that I've given up

2007-05-30T09:47:00.001-07:00

Well…it wasn’t a terrible weekend, except where I seemed to have tweaked my right calf muscle, and I have found out that walking on a treadmill is horribly boring. And now I am in the middle of any other week of torment about what I should eat, when I should push my exercise, how I should be doing better.

Also, my neck muscles have been feeling weak for the past few days. It’s like my head is the weight of a bowling ball, and it is sometimes difficult to keep it up. I also had headaches off and on Saturday & Sunday. It made for “not a terrible” weekend, but it wasn’t a great weekend. 4-day weekends should be great, damnit!

I am doing more of the neck exercises more often. It isn’t like I wasn’t doing them since PT ended, but I am doing them a few times a day now, as much as four times each day. They aren’t difficult to do, but I do get dizzy right after I am done with them.

It all becomes exhausting. And on Sunday, I will be 38 years old. This is making me think about the future more and more. I need to get healthy, and then look towards maintaining that health. I know I’ve done a lot in the past year to combat my prior poor health habits.

On that front, I’ve started reading “You: On A Diet: The Owner's Manual for Waist Management.” This is teaching me a lot about how the body works, and what the best ways to lose weight and maintain after I work it correctly.

Again, not much of an entry here, but I don’t want to recycle the “failed again” entries from the past. And the title of this entry is meant to be a reflection of my frustration, not an accurate statement of what will happen. And it is the last line from the Bright Eyes song “Another Travelin’ Song.” Conor Oberst is my future husband, whether he is gay or not. I love his music and love his looks. And he loves me…he just doesn’t know it yet.

Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup. There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost

2007-05-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

It what should have been my best softball game ever turned into probably the worst night of playing I’ve ever been involved.

In the first inning of the first game, I hit a 2-run home run over the fence. In full disclosure, it is a short porch in right field, about 280 feet, but no one else hit one over that fence for the rest of the evening, and that includes Eric, our big left hander who usually can hit them pretty hard.

However, once I took my position in right center, I stunk up the place. Misplayed balls into doubles, triples & home runs, overthrew the cut-off and let runners advance, lost 2 balls in the lights that should have been caught, and once, when the ball hit the ground and went the wrong way, I caught it with my throwing hand, immediately thought I’d broken my thumb, dropped the ball and swore like a sailor. Unfortunately, that allowed one runner to score and the 2 other runners to advance a base, where they scored easily on the next batter that I misplayed into a double.

Sadly, what most of the problem, as far as I can see it, was that I usually am a bit more aggressive when playing the outfield. I play up or over when I know someone has a tendency to hit there. Last year, if someone hit somewhere else they usually didn’t, my speed was able to make up for any bad positioning. Last night, I learned that I don’t have the speed currently to make up for my over-aggressive defense.

They moved me over to left center field, and just to be completely embarrassed, the left fielder & I ran into each other, with the ball going over each of our gloves, having played another ball for a home run.

Well, my hitting is better. I am getting more level of a swing (after the home run, of course.) But going 7 for 10 means nothing when you lose by 15 runs in the first game and 9 runs in the second game.

Oh, and the worst part of the evening is that the new left fielder of the other team is a hottie, and then I found out he is straight. Fuck that, I want only homos playing in my league. Especially if they are hot!

Do I dissapoint you in just being human?

2007-05-23T08:17:00.000-07:00

I have not been in the mood to update as I have been tired of saying “Well, I failed yesterday” again and again. It seems to be the cycle I’ve been in the past few months. The worst part for me is that I don’t know why it is so hard to keep up on the low calorie diet. The whole thing is confusing to me.

I looked in the mirror this weekend and realized that my belly has come back. It looks like I’m 5 months pregnant. I don’t remember getting this fat, but I know it has been coming along, and then BOOM! there it was on Saturday, big as it was.

I know it isn’t what it used to be prior to my weight loss last year, but it bothers me that it has come back to this. It just seems like I worked hard, lost it, and then it came back with a vengeance after a short period of time of being bad.

See, this is why I haven’t felt like updating. I am just being a whiny bitch about the whole thing. But, as I keep telling myself, this site is to help me keep track of my progress, to continue being better, and to be able to read back and see what has worked and what hasn’t worked. So here it is:

I’ve eaten alright this week so far after a complete disaster weekend, calorie-wise. I have estimated a calorie count on Saturday of about 4,000. Yes, you read that correctly. Between the cookies, muffins of the morning (Carl & Darren came up, and, along with my mother, we all went to a block sale in the area with other 100 homes participating.) the hot dogs & chilli-cheese fries at Dee’s 6-pak & Dog, and all the food at the Pirates game (including a Primanti Bros sandwich.) Sunday was easily 3,400 calories.

I am running, though, so that is good. I got up to 1.9 miles on Monday in 21 minutes. For no good reason at all, I didn't feel like running yesterday. I worked late, went shopping, started doing laundry, and then it was 7:30-ish and I was too annoyed to run. Tonight is softball, so I probably won't be doing a formal run, maybe a quick warm up for 7-10 minutes before I have to leave for the games.

OK, that is an update from me. Here's hoping I keep it all up...

You can obfuscate and manipulate but it’s only at your own expense

2007-05-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I am running still. For some reason, I am having some breathing problems while running. After about 9-10 minutes, I’m starting to feel some burning in my lungs. Not the burning from running, something…weird. It isn’t exactly stopping me from running, and I’m only hoping that it is my lungs being somewhat out of shape from not running for 7 weeks from the accident.

Whatever it is, I am running 20 minutes now, 1.5 miles at a time. I need to get used to this before I start ramping it up faster and longer. I am glad I am running again, obviously, but I need to be more consistent and get back into the swing of it.

But what I really need to buy into is the food part of it all. I know, I know…I keep bitching and moaning and belly aching about this, but for whatever reason, I can seem to get back into eating healthier and less calories. I do good for one day, or even half a day, and then I just eat whatever I can get my hands on.

Last year I was under the scare of my physician putting me on medicine for high cholesterol, but for some reason that isn’t scaring me that much.

I had a college acquaintance send me an e-mail response, after I wrote him recently about the accident, asking if I had reevaluated my life following my brush with death. And do you know what my response to him was? That I reevaluated my food intake, and how I wished I had eaten different foods.

Yeah, that seems like a great response. Not how I wanted to spend more time with family, or how I wanted to find a partner to spend my life with, and not even how I wished I had traveled even more than I do. No, all I could think to say was that I wish I’d shoved some fucking pepperoni pizza down my gullet!

Fuck me.

As I'm sitting here doing nothing but aging, still my guitar gently weeps

2007-05-14T03:14:00.000-07:00

These are my cats as kittens in September 2005. Bert is at the top of the picture, and Jeb beneath her.

And this is them as of yesterday, Bert in the foreground, Jeb behind her. They are both girls with boys names.

I don't want to talk much about my weekend, or at least my Sunday, which was filled with doughnuts and hot dogs and hamburgers (all you can eat after the softball games.) And poorly played softball. We lost both games and I stunk up the place. So, I just wanted to show pictures of my cats. Bert & Jeb love me...as long as I keep feeding them!

You can't see me suddenly, I got pictures on my mind, I got pictures on my mind

2007-05-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

I feel great right now. Wow, what a difference a week can make. (For full disclosure, I did just get off the treadmill about 4 minutes ago, so I might still be still high on endorphins.) Last week, I felt fatter than I have in a long time (the photo to the left is me from November of 2003 on a rooftop in Berlin; about 260 lbs.) Just from running, I feel a good bit better.

And it wasn't that difficult to get back into a routine. I know I am only at 20 minutes per day, not my 30 minutes, but I have been able to do it each day without that feeling that of dread I was having in January. I'm not saying it was good for me to stop running when I did, but I think I needed some of the past few months (the weight gain part, not the car accident part) to remind me why I run on the treadmill. Not only is it the weight loss, it is the feeling better about myself getting healthier. That is all it should be about now.

Most annoyingly, I’ve been eating horribly this week. I start out fine, and then it goes downhill, and as of last night, I was just shoveling food into my mouth. (the photo to the right is me jokingly drinking a jug of beer at the Edmonton Folk Music Festival in 2001 – I didn’t drink out of the jug; about 270 lbs.) I am hoping that at some point in time, while I am finally running, it will start to click that I need to eat better. If not, then it is like I am running for no reason if I don’t start losing weight.

I know it is going to be a long road back to what I was last summer. Here is a picture of me in Amsterdam one year ago:

I was 218 lbs when I left for Amsterdam last May 25. I need to remember that it is possible for me to get healthier and lose weight. The past few months it has seemed like a big uphill battle to get back to what I was one year ago, but it is one step at a time; a more focused step on the treadmill, and a more responsible step towards the refrigerator.

Babylon back in business, can I get a witness?

2007-05-09T07:44:00.000-07:00

I ran for 20 minutes yesterday and remembered what I like about running. I only got up to 6 mph for the last 10 minutes, but it felt so good to be running, to be sweating, to be doing something for my health. If my sense of self satisfaction during running yesterday could have been harnessed and turned into energy, I could have powered all the appliances in my house!

My eating, on the other hand, is another matter. Not terrible, but it just seems like I’m hungry more often than not, and, as an American, we all know that I shouldn’t ever feel like I want for anything, including more calories, even when they aren’t needed. And do I get more veggies or fruits down my throat when I’m hungry? No, of course not. I need tortilla chips (Baked Tostitos, so at least lower in calorie and fat) with some (calorie free) ranch dressing and salsa poured over top…and then topped with son con queso sauce. Why did I need to add the cheese sauce? Cause that is what my weak, weak brain thought my fat, fat body needed.

Now I need to work a little harder on the food thing, but I’m not going to freak out at all. I am going to focus my energy on running for this week and at least not over-eating too much. And it isn’t so much a need for food, but just a weakness when it comes to food. I think last year, when I was so much more overweight, it was easier to focus. Now, when I’m only a little overweight, the focus is more on how much I’ve already lost and not in what I need to continue lose.

I know this sounds like so much bitching about little things, but that is what this blog is about for me, how to lose weight. The hard way. Cause liposuction would be so much easier at this point, I swear!

Take me back, take me home, to the world that never to the world that never, to the world that never was

2007-05-08T03:26:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of me from the island in February. Believe me when I say I have gained some weight from this picture, only two months ago, and today.

On a good note, I did start back running yesterday. I ran/jogged for one mile in 15 minutes last night. Not too bad, to be honest, and I probably could have gone longer, but I didn't want to push it yet. Letting myself get back into running slowly so as not to hurt myself.

Interesting part is that I had just started watching the movie Kiss Kiss Bang Bang on March 15, 2007 (the last time I ran on my treadmill, the day before...), and my dvd player had kept the place where I left off.

I ate good yesterday. Not great, but good enough. I estimate about 2,000 calories, which is better than the 3,000 + calories I've been averaging recently. Not as good as my 1,600 calorie goal, but not bad at all.

I forgot, for full disclosure, that yesterday I weighed in at 234 lbs. But it is flabby weight. When I was 218 lbs, last year, it was a leaner 218 lbs. So not only do I need to lose 17 more lbs, I need to tone up what I have left. And that is where the BowFlex will come in handy.

Eager for action and hot for the game

2007-05-07T11:40:00.000-07:00

The weekend went well enough for me. I worked long hours at the movie theater Friday & Saturday with the crowds of Spiderman 3. The crowds weren’t as big as I’d like to see, but they were big enough.

I had a slight run-in with the co-worker who used the word “faggot” a few weeks back. Turns out she’s a former crackhead, and is moving to Kansas in two weeks to get away from her crackhead roommates (crackhead – hyphenated, two words or one word? I am using it all as one word.) When I finally had to come out and tell her I was gay, she said “No you’re not.” And later, after she finally kind of believed I was gay, she asked why I would do that? I had to explain to her that being a homosexual, unlike, say, smoking crack, isn’t a choice. I was born this way, unlike people who do drugs who choose to do drugs. It was an enlightening weekend for my dear crackhead co-worker.

Sunday I had my first softball game, so I woke up a little early to prepare breakfast (plain, fat free yogurt and mixed berries) and then got on the treadmill for 10 minutes. I only ran about 1 mile, but it was good to get back on the treadmill, not the least to prove that it still worked right. I was out of breath quickly, but I did alright. If I was a contestant on American Idol, Randy would have said that I “was a little pitchy” at the beginning, but then I “did my own thing” and “worked it out” by the end. Paula would have told me that my new silver Reebok running shoes were a bold but fantastic choice to go with the classic black running shorts. Simon would have told me that, as he is only keeping it real, it was absolutely horrible, and he’s seen people in karaoke bars run faster, longer and harder than I just did, and that this is a running competition, not a slow jogging or fast walking or heavy breathing/coughing competition. And then Ryan would come in and ask America to vote for me, and I would hold up a number “1” to let those Americans who can’t read numbers that I was the first contestant. I so think I could win something like that.

At softball, I did quite well, if I say so myself. My first at bat I hit a dinky little single to the left side, I assume it went by the shortstop as I barely hit it off the handle of my bat with the inside pitch. I hit into a fielder’s choice in the third inning but did score. It was in the fourth inning that I hit a monster shot that went over the head of the right center fielder. I ran as fast as my fat legs would take me, and the third base coach told me to hold up at third, but I’d already decided I was going home. With about 10 feet to go I saw the ball coming from my left side and I resigned to be out, but the catcher couldn’t handle the ball and I was called safe. In the sixth inning I hit a high blast, and though it was very high up, it was about 15 feet past the shortstop, but since my last "home run" blast, the outfielders were playing deep and the shortstop was backpedaling too much and it fell in for a single.

In the field I did well, no errors and caught everything I was supposed to catch, stopped the groundballs I was supposed to stop. We were winning 12-4 going into the 5th, but then we walked a few, gave up a few hits and generally started stinking. After giving up 5 runs, I threw out a runner at second base when he was lollygagging from first on a groundball. I played up a bit and the ball was hit just behind second base. We ended the 5th still leading 12-11, and we made it stick till the end, winning by that score.

Overall, a good ending to a good weekend. I spent the rest of Sunday sorting through my pictures from Thailand, trying to figure out which 300 to print for the photo album. I know that sounds like a lot, but I want enough pictures to represent the trip, but not to overwhelm with little things. 100 pictures per week we were there seems like a fair number. I guess I will see when I finally get them in the photo album and start showing them off.

Other than that, tonight I get back on the treadmill for at least 30 minutes, though I am guessing a lot of that time will be spent walking briskly instead of out and out running. But I will do that 5 times this week, while trying to eat better and better, and I will be back on track.

Wish me luck.

Coffee and cigarettes, let’s talk shop. We don’t need emotional traffic cops.

2007-05-03T03:18:00.000-07:00

This is how I am feeling today. If you check out the little guys being eaten by the monster who is being attacked by the multi-armed monster, you might actually see me in the crowd of the soon-to-be-eaten.

Or I am the actual monster who is doing the eating. I can see that analogy. The monster eats and eats, even when there is a multi-armed attacker just above it, ready to stab it. The monster just keep eating and eating and eating.

By the way, this is a picture I took at the Grand Palace in Bangkok. It is a very small part of the mural on one of the buildings in the complex. It tells of the mythical history of the Kingdom of Siam.

I finished physical therapy yesterday. It went out with a whimper, to be honest. Just some electro-stimulation of the cervical area, some heat, some stretching and exercises and then I was done. I haven't needed the traction for over a week now, and, as nice as the massages felt, it wasn't needed as well.

I now know what I am supposed to do to get better and better. I haven't had any real painful headaches for about a week now, but I am still doing the neck exercises every day and I immobilize my neck every night for sleep. I am going to try not to sleep without the brace on, but I wanted to wait until I am not working the next day, so that would be tomorrow.

I have a softball game on Sunday, first of the season. I am hoping to play well, but no guarantees. I am going to run a little on Sunday morning to get warmed up, as I felt very tight last week when we practiced, and I don't want to go and hurt a calf muscle by not being warmed up.

Starting Monday, I am allowed to run again, so I will start slow and easy. I don't know how far I am going to run, or how fast, but I am going to take it slow and work up to what I was prior to "the unfortunate incident of March 16," as I now refer to it.

I feel like my life has been so stale recently, just not doing anything that interesting. I have been trying to let myself know that life is about the journey, not about the destination, but with no running, feeling like shit, not trips planned in the near future and my overall lack of enthusiasm for things recently, it hasn't been working.

This is a garden in the Grand Palace in Bangkok. It was the most peaceful place there, and I was shocked not more people were there visiting it. Tom & I had a good 15 minutes there by ourselves, just reflecting on our journey to that point (it was only our first full day, having alighted the plane at about 11:30 pm the night before.)

I wish I was there right now. I wish I was in the same frame of mind now that I was then. Just relaxed. We shall see how it all goes starting Sunday.

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me: I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

2007-04-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

This morning I weighed in at 232.5 lbs., so I’m down 5 lbs. from last week. I ate alright for the weekend, but not great. It was my first two Pirates games, so I had to try some of the usual fare at the ballpark, hot dogs, nachos, French fries, et al. As I said, it was alright, not as voracious as I’ve been in the past.

The real good news for me is that I actually practiced softball yesterday for the first time this spring. And after about an hour of practicing, we played another team in a scrimmage game. Not bad at all, although I will say I didn’t run too much, or too hard, and I didn’t play with my usual reckless abandon. But it was nice to be out there, and nice to be able to do it without any real pain. I’m sore now, but not in the neck area. Usual arm/shoulder stuff I get when I first knock off some of the winter rust.

I have my last PT sessions this week. I am hopeful that this is the end of my need for PT for this injury. I’ve been slowly getting better and better, so that is reason to be happy. Having said that, though, I hve thought that in the past and then woken up and been hit with the throbbing headache.

But I am being hopeful here.

In the shotgun chance that scattered us, I've seen the error of my ways

2007-04-26T06:31:00.000-07:00

I’ve been doing better on the diet this week. Monday & Tuesday I was just about at 1,600 calories, and yesterday I went up to 2,000, but, get this, the jump yesterday was due to green beans almondine and rice pilaf! (My office had some luncheon, and these were some of the leftovers. I was able to resist the pastries that were left over from the morning, but green beans almandine? NEVER!)

I figure, if you’re going to go over your calorie count, rice & veggies isn’t too bad a way to do it. And then a simple veggie wrap for dinner to finish a day and I was ready for bed.

I wish I could say the same thing about my exercise, but again it isn’t working out. Yesterday, the PT told me that maybe I should wait another month to start doing any type of running, and again stressed very light walking. Wherever the injury in my neck is, it seems to easily be aggravated. Easy like turning my head easy. Like that is what I did Monday, which caused something to be aggravated in my neck, which caused the headache, which made me want to put my head in a vice.

I am better now, obviously, but I do get tired of the pain. I think because it isn’t like any other injury I’ve ever had. I pulled a calf muscle, you stay off the offended leg and it slowly heals. I tore up the crown of me head in the accident. You staple it, and keep things from banging off it (which I failed to do yesterday getting out of my car) and it will heal. But this fucking whiplash. Look left and, whoops, that hurt. How do you stay off your neck?

As a result, my softball season is, at the least, delayed, and at the most, cancelled. I might not be able to play with my team, Crush, this season! This depresses me to no end. For the past 11 years, I’ve look forward every spring to softball; not just playing, but the camaraderie as well. The joy of playing the game you love in a competitive way with people you can be completely open with is amazing. And now, even the PT has advised me that she thinks me going to the game and turning my head the wrong way could cause a flare-up.

So here I sit, and I will continue to just sit. And when the sitting is done, I will sit some more. But at least I’m not allowing myself to turn the now-dormant treadmill into another place to keep my laundry. It is pristine and dust free, sitting all alone. Just like me.

“You live and learn. At any rate, you live.” – Douglas Adams

2007-04-24T06:56:00.000-07:00

I was working at the movie theater Friday night, being an usher with Bryan, some 17 year old emo boy I work with. As we were approaching one theater, the movie hadn’t finished as scheduled, and Bryan says “That’s so gay” in reference to the fact that the movies were running late and therefore messing up our schedule. Then he looks at me and says “Sorry, no offense.”

So I have to explain to him how gay means: happy or merry; bright or showy; a homosexual person. In order to use the term “gay” as a negative, you have to find the root origin of how & why it would be used to denote a bad thing. Are being happy, merry, bright or showy negative? No. Therefore, when used pejoratively, it is in connotation to the homosexual. I don’t think he understood, as he stared at me with his one good eye (being emo, hair covers about 3/5 of his face, and only one eye seems to be visible at any point in time.)

I tell all this because shortly after that, we were at the concession stand, getting drinks, and Bryan looked all mopey. I, of course, chalk this up to him being emo. Sandy, one of the high school girls tells him to cheer up and “skip around the lobby” of the theater to get some energy. He looks mortified (or as mortified as someone can look when you can only see a fraction of their face) at this idea. I decide to joke with him “That would be gay, Bryan.” He kind of laughs at that.

Then, the white trash woman who just started there looks over and says “Don’t do that. We wouldn’t want to turn you into a faggot.” She seems to notice the look of horror on the faces of Bryan & Sandy, so she looks at Bryan and says “No offense.”

I look at her and say “Well, if you don’t want to be offensive, don’t use the word ‘faggot.’” There were several moments where nothing was said, and then customers came, and everyone went about their business as if nothing had happened.

Alright, world, what is so fucked up here that someone can openly use the word “faggot” and we only get some stunned looks. I expected one of the other workers to at least agree that the use of the word is abhorrent and unacceptable. Instead, we get slack jawed yokels.

I decide that I will tell the manager to get her all riled up and let her deal with it. When an underling hears from management that it is completely unacceptable to use any type of hateful words, then we can feel safe in our work environment. The manager seemed appropriately shocked at the idea her worker said something like this, but then she responded “Do you want me to say something to her?” What the fuck do you think? Why do you think I said something to you? To spread gossip?

How am I supposed to respond now? If I’d have said some words that were considered racial slurs, I’d have been, at the least, escorted out the building. If I would have made any anti-Semitic remarks, management would have at least reprimanded me. Instead, when an anti-homosexual remark is made by an employee, management questions whether they should address the employee who said it.

Fuck it.

Oh it's full of nasty habits when the bitch gets back

2007-04-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

Well, as much as I say that I am trying to get back to healthy, I don’t do it. I have been more than just unhealthy, I’ve been almost self-destructive in my eating habits.

This morning I weighed in at 237.5 lbs. That is huge, and dangerously close to the weight I was at for a long time before I ballooned up after my calf muscle injuries of 2005, which precipitated a lot of this exercise thing for me. I can feel it while I walk, sit in a car or do anything.

If I described what I ate over just over this past weekend, it would sicken you. Just thinking of the amount I ate sickens me. I mean, I knew it was bad, but I can’t seem to get the self control I need.

I have been, mostly, pain free in the neck & head. Today I have a slight headache, but it is this strange pressure I feel at the base of my skull, on the left of the back of my neck, that is bothering me. It is almost like someone is pushing some blunt object into one spot there, and it is intermittent at best.

It is other pains that are annoying me today. My right leg has been giving me problems recently. I actually hurt my left leg in the accident, just bruising and such. But I favored it so much that I actually strained my right leg. Well, I worked two nights at the movie theater this weekend, then did an MS walk with Gary & Lynne Sunday morning, and my back was in pain and tender upon palpation. I spent last night from about 6 pm on with the heating pad on my back on full heat. Even today, any lifting brings pangs of pain shooting up the right side of my back.

So let us review. Bitching about weight gain while sabotaging any food intake control and not being able to do anything to lose weight. Bitching about pain, so I do things over the weekend to put myself into more pain. And, on top of it all, I don’t feel like talking to my doctor about this, so it will probably linger for weeks until I get tired of it and break down and talk to him.

Today, I am getting back to eating healthy. And then, once physical therapy is over, I can slowly get back into running. I can’t believe that I worked for 18 months, and then, in the 5 weeks since the accident, I have undone almost all the hard work I put in. But there is no need to dwell on what I’ve done wrong recently, just get back to doing what is right.

From the back to the middle and around again, I'm gonna be there til the end

2007-04-18T08:13:00.001-07:00

Today is the first day I’ve woken up without any type of headache since March 22. It had gotten to the point where I thought if it was only a low grade headache then I shouldn’t consider it a headache.

There is still some tightness in the left side of my neck, but nothing like it was a few weeks ago, and it isn’t causing the shooting pain into my head. There is still some crepitus, but it isn’t what it was even a week ago.

So all in all, I am doing better physically, and I feel mentally better about it all right about now. Now, after a month of pain and not liking it, I find it interesting that this blog is entitled “No pain…no gain?” Of course, I did purposely put question mark in it because I wasn’t sure what the pain, or the gain, were all about.

I mean, I know that it is a cliché nowadays that, in order to feel like you are being healthy, there has to be some type of pain involved, whether it is the physical pain of exercise or the mental pain of having to give up types and/or quantities of food. I do agree that less food and regular exercise are the keys to losing weight, but it doesn’t have to be “pain” exactly, whether physically or mentally.

So I go to physical therapy tonight with high hopes that she will tell me I can run again. I do have some strange achy-ness in my upper right calf muscle and thigh, but I think that is just a bit of overuse from when my left leg hurt after the accident and I favored it more. Other than that, I feel healthy today for the first time in over a month.

I hope it keeps up and I can get back into the "gain" part of the title of my bog, and avoid the "pain" part of it. We shall see.

There is a midget standing tall, and a giant standing next to him about to fall

2007-04-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

I have nothing good to say today. And when you have nothing good to say, it is good to say nothing at all. I don't know what else I can do this week. Physical therapy is going well enough. I forgot to immobilize my neck Saturday night and woke up with a headache that ruined my Sunday. I spent most of the afternoon and evening with my neck wrapped in a heating pad, and I still felt out of sorts until about 8 pm, so that sucked.

Wednesday is my last PT session, unless I start to regress physically, and I don't see that happening. I didn't get out of the car accident clean and easy, but I think that the worst should be over for me. I hope Carl & Darren progress as well and become pain free soon enough.

I am hating that this blog, which should be coursing my track to health, is instead becoming the place where I bitch, moan and cry about stupid car wreck shit. Fuck me.

Here is a picture of me in the Dam Square in Amsterdam from last May, with the Royal Palace in the background. I look at these photos and realize how much I love that city. And I have never taken drugs or had sex with a prostitute, so it isn't like I've been there fore the stereotypical reasons people assume.

Amsterdam is a beautiful city full of history and culture. It is a friendly city filled with people who don't seem to have any pretension about themselves, and no preconceived notion about you. "Be yourself" ought to be the true saying engraved on coat of arms of Amsterdam (engraved on the coat of arms currently is "Heldhaftig, Vastberaden, Barmhartig," of course meaning "Valiant, Determined, Compassionate," and that probably is better, but whatever.) The city itself is also very well organized and public transportation is logical and easy.

In Amsterdam, you can see the Van Gogh Museum, the Rembrandt House Museum, and then the Rijksmuseum all in one day if you get up early, and still have time to get to the Pancake Bakery if you are willing to wait in line for a while, and it is worth the wait, even in rain (it rained most of our time in Amsterdam last year.)

And have I ever mentioned how I love Heineken, originated and still brewed in Amsterdam? The beer is so crisp, so clean and so refreshing, and the Heineken Experience tour at the original
Heineken Brewery is fantastic. You get about a one and a half hour tour that includes not only how the beer originated and is currently brewed, you get a look at the ad campaigns throughout the years, and interactive game room, 2 beers and a gift included, all for about $12.

This is a picture I took on the tour. This is the bottom of a glass enclosed display of different bottles throughout the years. I saw Carl taking a picture of it, so I thought I'd take one too, and it now is the wallpaper on my computer, at work and at home.

Man I wish I was going somewhere soon. I don't want to think of the future sitting on my ass doing work all year. Maybe that is what I will do this week on this site, start sharing more about my various travels, until I can get back to my regular exercise. This could distract me just enough not to hate my life right now (cause of the pain and physical therapy.)

If you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

2007-04-12T03:14:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to say today. Yesterday was a bad day, and I'm hoping today is better. I just feel like I'm floundering. One day, my neck feels good, loose with no headache, and the next morning I wake up with a pulsing headache that makes even tasting food unpleasant. Then the next day, I wake up and there seems to be no pain, though my range of motion is limited. It seems to baffle me completely.

I also get very frustrated when I ask questions of the experts and they either deflect any type of answer or, worse, turn into themselves. I asked the physical therapist about why I have such crepitus in my neck (the crackling, popping sound when I rotate my neck 360 degrees.) I never had it in my neck before and it annoyed me that I have it now. I was hoping that she could nicely explain why I had it now and then tell me how it will just get better and I won’t have to worry about it after everything is healed.

But she didn’t. She said “I don’t know why it happens. My neck has the same thing sometimes.” Alright sister, I am paying you to think about me, not you. I want you to think about it and make a relatively intelligent response. If you don’t know what crepitus is, then you shouldn’t by rendering physical therapy to me. Crepitus is a simple concept, and it usually can be helped by physical therapy. If you don’t know what it is, get out of the business.

She, as seems to happen so many times, turned it into something about her. I don’t give a flying fuck if your whole body creeks when you crawl out of your hovel every morning: I care about my neck, which rarely ever had crepitus in the past, now popping & crackling like a can of cola poured over top of a bag of popcorn in the microwave every time I look to my left or right. And it isn't just a pop or two, it is a lot of popping/crackling going on up there. And I want to know if it will be going away sometime or if I am stuck with this for the rest of my life.

So we do the heating pad and electro-stimulation. That goes well and feels good most of the time (there are times when it makes my shoulder muscle seize up for a few seconds, but overall it is great.) We get into the cervical traction device [see right]. You put your neck in the middle of these two padded prongs on a board that they tighten so they are snug on either side of your neck. This board that the padded prongs are attached to is then hooked up by a cable to a machine that pulls the exact amount of weight to stretch your neck upwards.

Every time I’ve had this traction, the physical therapist puts a towel over the prongs so that my naked neck isn’t going directly on the board. This different PT tells me to put my head down, and when I ask for a towel, she says I don’t need one. When I say that I’d like one, she makes a face and stands there. I so wanted to scream “GET ME A FUCKING TOWEL!” but I decide to work this starting contest. After about 15 seconds, she sighs, fucking SIGHS, and then gets the towel.

Unfortunately that seems to ruin my ability to relax enough to get out of the traction what I should get. I was all tense and angry. But I had 20 minutes to think about it, and I think I was being too harsh. If I’d only had this new therapist and not the other one, I’d have never thought that a towel was needed (although I’d have been a little sketched out about putting my neck where others had put theirs, and based on the clientele that I’ve seen there, it would have been old, flabby, sweaty, liver spotted necks that would have been there before me.)

So now I’m sitting here, the next morning, feeling somewhat guilty at having been confrontational with the physical therapist, as after she would answer my initial question about crepitus, I think I just wrote her off, and anything she said I probably responded with just a little bit of attitude. I should have just let it go and asked my physician when I see him later this month after PT is done.

I got another PT session on Friday morning. I just want them to tell me I’m better so that I can run again. I don’t know why I think it is a panacea, but I want to run so bad. And even when I walk on the treadmill, I can feel it in my neck. I can’t imagine what would happen if I ran full out. And I've got softball starting up in 3 1/2 weeks. I need to defend my MVP status.

But I didn’t use the word “fuck” out loud towards her, and I dropped the f-bombs at work yesterday regularly, so that was a small victory. Yeah me!

All men have secrets and here is mine, so let it be known

2007-04-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

I have been having a tough time getting back into any type of routine. I know I can’t run for a few more weeks, though I am walking on the treadmill at physical therapy, but it seems like all I want to do after work is sit around my house. Usually eating and staring at the television.

I feel like a fucking sausage today: fat, lumpy and ugly. I am wearing my fat jeans. [All the ladies in the crowd will get the “fat jeans” reference here.] And I feel like saying the word “fuck” a lot today. I have to be careful I don’t scream it on the phone with a customer.

I have been terrible this week on eating, and I still can’t run at all so I feel useless. I feel like I’m letting myself down, and I don’t like that feeling. Did I mention that the muscle on the left side of my neck is throbbing? Did I mention that the headache gets so bad today that I am actually getting lightheaded? Did I mention that I’m fat, lumpy & ugly? Did I mention that I’ve been listening to the entire The Smiths discography today?

I have physical therapy tonight, and I don’t feel like doing it tonight. I don’t feel like doing anything tonight. I don’t feel like doing much of anything today, except typing the word fuck. Over and over again. I just feel lame today. I need to start being able to run again soon, or I’m going to a fat fuck all over again, and that can’t be good. For me, at least.

I don't dream about anyone - except myself! Oh, William, William it was really nothing

2007-04-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

Physical therapy is wonderful!

I went to physical therapy on Friday morning, maybe a little apprehensive as my last experiment with PT a few years ago was painful. I got electro-stimulation of the muscles in my neck and upper left shoulder with heat, then got some traction on my neck. Then she gave me several different exercises made to strengthen my neck muscles. All went extremely (and painlessly) well, and now I’m doing so much better.

Also, I am using a lot of the heating pad in the evenings while watching television, and that seems to be helping the neck muscles and I’m not waking up with headaches all the time. This is a good thing.

I still seem to always have a headache, but they are now just low-grade ones and not the throbbing/stabbing kind I was getting last week. I get PT 3 times this week and a few more next week and then I’m hopefully cured and done and happy and painless. Or at least whatever I was before the accident.

I dislike when you go into a pain clinic or physical therapist, and they give you a chart asking to rate your pain. How do I know when my headache is a 3 on the scale, or when it is a 4? Maybe my pain is such that it is a 12 on the scale and I am just able to handle it better. Or, more likely, my pain is a 1, but I am such a whiney, screamy baby who can’t handle any pain so thinks it is a 9.

Either way, I feel much better today, and hope this continues until the pain is all gone.

On one other note about the PT clinic, there were 4 female physical therapists working on Friday, and they were all smoking hot. If I were even remotely straight, I would have had a boner for the entire 90 minutes I was there. Fortunately for me, I am gay and don’t have use for women in the bedroom. Unless they are going to clean it or something.

And now, back to our regular scheduled program.

Take me back, take me home, to world that never was

2007-04-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

I have done good this week with food. Been around 1600 calories, although on Monday, my first day back to food recording, I actually had 1,208 calories. I meant to eat a bit more but I was learning how to send files to another server while watching the Pirates game. So I downloaded FileZilla while watching my baseball team win in dramatic fashion.

I start physical therapy tomorrow, so I am excited in my own way, to start that. I just want the (usually) low grade headache to go away. But recently I have been finding some small memory problems, and that is scaring me as much as the physical aspect of it. A doctor I know has said he thinks it could be partially from the exhaustion I am feeling from the injury and part of it could be the natural depression that follows recovery following any type of chronic injury. And he told me to make sure I get to my physician as soon as possible.

And as if I’m not going through enough pain, Toby called me this week to fish around about moving back to Pittsburgh and wanting to move in with me. If you don't remember Toby, just click here, here, here, & here and read, there is something about him in there.

Of course, he, as usual, didn’t actually ask me. He mentioned first that he was not doing well living in Chicago, and that he works so much he has no life (he cleans a wealthy person’s home for a living and then cleans the home he lives in instead of paying rent: he lives on Lake Shore Blvd.)

Then he complained that he hasn’t met anyone, and even if he did, he isn’t allowed to bring anyone back to his place because of the rules (forgetting to that he has called me from the bar a few months ago, somewhat tipsy, telling me how he won a “Big Dick” contest in a bar full of hot men…and I’m supposed to believe not one of them offered the guy who just won the contest, ummm, at least companionship for the evening?) And this led to him complaining that he has no place to call his own (forgetting that he has told me on numerous times that he is able to save so much money he loaned a friend over $8,000 to help buy a house) and how expensive it is to live in Chicago.

(I want to pause for a moment here to tell you that at some point last year, after he moved to Chicago, the man Toby lives with sent him to a physician, and he was, after testing, diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, a form of autism, and he clearly has the social and communicative deficiencies described by the syndrome.)

This led to me pointing out to him that the last time he “lived” in Pittsburgh he ended up homeless, or some facsimile of homelessness, and I asked what has really changed since he left? People in Pittsburgh don’t pay $20/hour to their housekeepers. And that is when he said “If I moved back to Pittsburgh, could I stay with you?”

My blood ran cold. I don’t know why I feel this way, but it is like I have to work hard at not being nasty to him. And I don’t even want to be his fuck buddy anymore. I mean, I don’t have the guilt I used to have, but I still pick up the phone when he calls. But I can’t let him move in with me. That would just me making yet another horrific life-decision, and I’ve made enough of those.

Instead of being upfront with it, I just said “Toby, do you want it to be the way it was before? I guess you can visit me” (either guilt, horniness or a combination of the two, are in charge at that time.)

“You mean I can’t live with you?” I could hear the heartache in his voice.

“No,” I said. I need to be firm.

Fortunately, the next morning, yesterday, he called me to say that he felt better about Chicago. He was just feeling some pressure the night before.

Everywhere I look there's something to learn, a sliver of truth from every bridge we burn

2007-04-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday my primary physician finally told me what no doctor in the hospital did: I have whiplash. So for those playing at home, at no point did a physician in the hospital tell me that I had a concussion, even after I asked, nor did any of them say a thing about whiplash.

My physician was quite annoyed that not one even advised me to be prepared for the signs of whiplash, as with the way I flopped around the car, he said he’d be surprised if I didn’t have whiplash.

So now I am learning exactly how frustrating & annoying whiplash can be. At any given moment, a sharp pain could shoot through my neck into my head, whether I turn my head or not. Any given morning, no matter what I do at night to prepare myself for sleep, I could wake up with a headache that both throbs and pierces from the neck into my head. I have to immobilize my neck when sitting watching television and when I am sleeping, in the hopes that it doesn’t get worse. At the end of the evening, especially after working 10 hour days in front of the computer keeping my head up, which is 99% of my job, I am so exhausted that I have little energy for anything else.

My upper back is starting to develop pains using extra muscles, or maybe it is pressure from the neck brace, or maybe that is just another fucking problem from the car accident.

And, on top of all of that, my physician doesn’t want me to use anti-inflammatory medicine, even over-the-counter stuff, because that masks pain and with neck problems, you can do more damage when the pain doesn’t tell you to stop.

Well, he didn’t’ tell me not to ever use, but he recommended that I let my body’s own defense mechanisms, pain, work to help me know when I shouldn’t use the neck muscles. I have taken this as an attempt not to use any of the OTC drugs at this point in time.

And, finally, I get to start physical therapy on Friday. For a few weeks, at least, 3 times the week I will go down to PT and they will do whatever it is that physical therapists do to create more pain. At least, that is my impression from the last time I went through PT. I had pulled a muscle in my back, and after 4 weeks of PT, I was in much more pain than I was before the PT, and that is when my physician gave me Vioxx...you know, the drug that was pulled off the market in 2004 for fears it caused heart problems with long term use. Granted, I only used it for 7 days, so no worries for me, but it gets me thinking how this one car accident could cause problems that could linger for years.

Oh, and my physician did point out that they did full body CT scans on me and I have a kidney stone and diverticulosis. If I pass a kidney stone, I’ll know it, but he doesn’t think that this is positioned to be passed. The diverticulosis will cause some minor pains & discomforts in the abdomen, but if they become infected then it develops into diverticulitis, or I got bigger problems.

Oh, and I’m not allowed to run on the treadmill. My doctor wanted me to get through PT and allow them to tell me when to start running again. I guess all that running can cause some jostling of my nck and can exacerbate the whiplash.

So things are going fucking great with me (although they ain’t too bad since the Pirates won last night!)

Today is the greatest day I've ever known. Can't wait for tomorrow; I might not have that long

2007-04-02T05:24:00.000-07:00

Today is the best day of the year! It is the first day of Pirates baseball! No more grapefruits, no more purposeful 3 inning pitchers, no more bringing in 5 replacements for every position just to get some workout. Today, we start the real games, and every inning counts!

I don’t know why I love baseball so much. I watch baseball in person and on television, and I love it both ways. I get so tired of people saying that they like watching it in person but it is boring on television. That is complete bullshit to me. Baseball is the only sport I know where the entire game can change on each pitch. Baseball is the only major sport with no clock. You play until one team gets the final out.

(Here is a picture of me at last years MLB All-Star game. That is actually the shirt I am wearing today as well, although it is a little tighter on me now that I want it to be. But today is all about baseball, not about my fat belly, my eating habits, my whiplash or how hot it is in my office today. Nothing will get between me and my Pirates at 7:05 pm est...except another freakish car accident, but I can't be thinking that way at all. Today, baseball; tomorrow, back to real life while following baseball every day.)

I could go on an on, page after page, about what I love about baseball and why it is superior to all other major sports, but it would just be my own opinion, and it could bore some people. And don’t get me wrong: I understand the love of football, hockey and basketball. (I don’t understand the love of soccer the rest of the world has, but that is a discussion for another time.) But for me, it’s all about baseball.

And I know that being a Pirates fan is another reason people feel I should give up my love of baseball, but I can’t do it. Even if the Pirates have another 14 losing seasons, I will be watching them in 2021 (although, to be fair, I will probably not be a season ticket holder for another 14 losing seasons. I’ve been a season ticket holder for the past 6 losing season, but I can only pay directly for so much losing.)

So, starting today I am all about the baseball, and I will be all about the Pirates, because in baseball, much like life, anything can happen on any given pitch.

(This is my 200th post. And I can't think to do anything special about #200. So you get my picture, and a minimized rant on my love of baseball. Enjoy!)

Everyone’s looking for relief, the United States versus disbelief

2007-03-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

Neck pain, and I am angry. I was hoping the neck pain would go away, but it hasn’t. I sleep one way and it caused pain the next day, I sleep another and no pain. It makes no sense, and I am tired of taking the 800 mg Motrin because it makes my liver work harder, and if my liver is to work harder, I want it to be because of a good Riesling, or a good IPA, not some lame OTC anti-inflammatory!

And now I’m fighting with my physician’s office about getting records from the hospital. I know if it was up to my physician, he would go after the records himself, but his office staff are taking the tough approach, where I have to do everything to get them the records.

See, the hospital has told me that if my primary physician called them, they would fax the records directly there. But my primary physician’s office has told me to have the hospital fax them the records. No one will budge. So I need to get an authorization from the hospital, sign it with the physician’s address and fax number and send it back to the hospital so they can send it to the physician. And who knows how long this turnaround could take.

All the while, my neck is causing me to have a headache, and get angrier. And really, shouldn’t this be a time that I should be taking it easy and have no frustrations?

Instead, I am going to put in a picture of my kittens, Bert & Jeb, from almost 2 years ago when they were tiny little furballs. Now they are larger, but still cute as all get up. And they still run around the house jumping on each other, wrestling and just plain having fun. Cause they have no neck pain!

Damn, the anger crept in even when I was trying hard not to let it through.

I'm losing my mind, yeah I got bit all the time, and I'm better off dead, cause it was all in my head

2007-03-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the thoughts from this weekend as I convalesced.

I seem to have now entered into the “anger” phase of my recovery. I want to meet whoever is responsible for the accident and mete out my own type of street justice! With extreme prejudice! (I’ve been watching too much “The Sopranos” this weekend getting ready for the new season in two weeks). I don’t know what that would entail, but sitting on him isn’t out of the question. It almost, ALMOST, makes me wish I was still 272 lbs and could inflict some real damage to him by actually sitting on him.

I took numerous pictures of my head wound to show it to all of you. I had to take these pictures myself, with both the digital camera and my cell phone camera. After about 30 different tries, I finally got one that showed the wound…and realized I was too grossed out by it to actually post it. I don’t think anyone else wants to see this. I won’t be pulling my hat off at work to show off my staples and wound.

I was going to take pictures of me to put online, but now that I’ve rapidly gained a lot of weight, I don’t believe it is a good idea. This morning I was up to 235 lbs. I think my mentality of “I’m-so-happy-to-be-alive-I’ll-eat-everything” has got to end.

There are people I know who are stuck on the expiration date of food products. If the “sell-by” date has even passed by one day, there is a woman at work who will pitch the entire carton of milk, whether it smells bad or not. Just pitch it without regard to how bad it may or may not be. That is me with doctor’s advice. At least after an actual incident (I did keep smoking for a few years after my physician told me to stop: it did take me years to take his advice on weight loss). So the doctors at the hospital told me sedentary work only with no heavy lifting or straining for 2 weeks. I asked one of them about my running, and they said no running. They didn’t want my heart rate to get high, and they didn’t want me accidentally passing out, falling down and endangering my staples & the head wound.

I have taken their words to heart and haven’t run at all since coming home from the hospital, or even gotten too near the treadmill. But I think walking on it should be fine, really. Low impact walking will at least get things moving through my leg muscles and it will get me ready for next week when I start running again. Tonight, I will be walking, even if it is slowly, on the treadmill for 30 minutes.

Maybe it will help me through some of the anger.

Bang your head! Metal Health'll drive you mad!

2007-03-22T03:13:00.000-07:00

I have been having a strange week. I mean, I know that anytime you have a near death experience (and, for me, last Friday would be considered a near death experience) things change, but this is just...strange.

I am walking around almost in fear that my current life is like the Ambrose Bierce short story An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge. I feel sometimes like this isn't happening, it is just my unconscious mind covering up the last moments of my life before I smash into the windshield. I mean, I didn't feel any specific pains or true injuries associated with being flung into the front of a vehicle in a high speed accident. I don't remember anything about the accident.

Also, as much as my friends are alive and that makes me happy, they are both in pain, and that gives me this weird survivors guilt. I mean, why don't I have these problems? Shouldn't I have more pains and problems? Except for some minor aches and the four staples (and yes, they are actual steel staples) in my head, I am now almost recovered. Why are my friends still off work and in pain? I have to work through this, don't I?

And, of course, this is giving me little motivation to eat right and exercise. Actually, the doctor who gave me my discharge instructions noted he didn't want me running or doing any type of heavy exercise, but I could easily be walking on the treadmill instead of sitting like a blob in front of the television. I could be careful about what I am eating, instead I'm devouring anything in my feeling that "I almost died Friday, why deprive myself?" mode.

And now, instead of being thrilled to have lived, I've turned this into some pity party for myself. I am feeling quite pathetic at the moment, to be honest.

I don't know if this is normal after a horrific car accident, but it is scary. So my life is just so fucking sunshine and lollipops these days. And I have it easy, to be honest.

Oh, and I know I could have quoted so many other song lyrics for the title of this entry, like John Lennon's Nobody Told Me ("Nobody told me there'd be days like these...strange days indeed") or Beautiful Boy ("Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"). Hell, I could have even used Frank Sinatra's My Way ("The record shows I took the blows - and did it my way.") Instead, I banged my head on a the car, and I have 4 metal staples in my head, so I've been singing Quiet Riot's Bang Your Head all week long. I wonder if that is part of this Survivor's Guilt thing. Dr. Melfi, where are you in my hour of need???

Bart: "Dad, are you hurt?" Homer: "Just... my bones... and organs." from The Simpsons "Homerphobia" episode

2007-03-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

(There are graphic pictures on this entry. Please take that in mind when viewing.)

For the first time in my life, and with no hyperbole at all, I can now say “I am lucky, and feel fortunate, to be alive today.”

On Friday, Carl and his boyfriend were up from DC and we went to dinner with a few other friends. Between 9:30 & 10 pm, after dinner, we were driving home, and about half a mile from my home, when another car came barreling at us after it jumped the about 15 feet wide median strip (yes, it is actually about 15 feet wide) and slammed into us head-on. Carl suffered broken bones in his arms, & his boyfriend suffered contusions and some facial cuts. They were in the front seat and belted in.

I was in the back seat and not in a safety belt. I flew around the car like a rag doll and slammed into the rearview mirror, but the airbags stopped me from hitting the windshield directly with any force. I suffered lacerations of the scalp, sore muscles but no concussion.

I know the details of the accident only because I’ve been told them. I remember we were stopped at the red light and started moving forward when it turned green, and that is it until the paramedics were there and I was asking why I was bleeding. I don’t remember the accident at all. I remember holding my head and asking over and over why I was bleeding.

We all went to the hospital where Carl and I spent the night. Carl has a brace for his broken left elbow and a splint on his broken right thumb. His boyfriend has pain killers for his leg pains from contusion. I got 4 staples in my head. Yes, they are actual metal staples that they put them in with a device that looks like your garden variety Swingline staple gun.
After we were released yesterday, we went to clear out the car; that is when I realized the damage. I don’t know how we survived. Or, more accurately, I am glad Carl has a BMW and it is a little tank, because, as the pictures show, it is fucked up completely. This guy hit us head on going very fast.

I don’t talk about my work on this blog, but I deal with motor vehicle accidents on a regular basis and have taken classes in forensics and accident reconstruction, and I’ve seen less impact accidents cause death. Especially for the unbelted back seat occupant (full disclosure here: I have been taught that, other than a head on collision, the seatbelt for the rear occupant usually isn’t as safe if there is a lack of curtain airbags, as you are stuck in the seat if another car hits rear passenger doors – massive head & trunk traumas occur more with seatbelted rear occupants, but less flying around the car). Had I been belted in, I probably would have only suffered sore muscles and maybe some back problems (the BMW has a secure trunk that doesn’t give at all to soften any impact, therefore the passenger's body absorbs the full impact ) but that is it. I also would probably remember the accident. Not sure I want that, to be honest.

To be honest, that is what freaks me out more, not remembering any part of the accident. Nothing. Zilch. I remember the feeling of shock as my head was bleeding, that is it. Carl said as we sat there “I’m calling Kelly” and I said “Who is Kelly?” She is my sister with whom I am very close and lives up the street from the accident. I don’t remember the speeding car coming right for us, and, to be honest, I think I am glad for that.

I don’t want to talk more about it here for some legal reasons. We are alive, all of us, and that is more important than anything in the world.

And I might be going out and buying a BMW in the future. That is if I can get out of the house and drive any car again.

And here is proof that Carl & I survived, in front of the smashed up BMW the day after the accident (the car that hit us is just to Carl's right - you can't see the impact.) I have my head bandaged, and Carl has both arms in braces. His boyfriend didn't want to come to the lot to see the wreckage.

We may look like a sad sight, but I don't believe you would have seen two happier people in the world on that day. Seeing my friends alive is worth more to me than hitting the lottery - and that ain't hyperbole!

Love you Carl, love you Darren! Your next trip to Pittsburgh will be much less action packed! I hope it is downright boring, to be honest!

Alive & kicking in Pittsburgh,

-Mike

It feels so good to be back where I belong, the streets is where I belong

2007-03-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

One could almost forget how good it feels to run when one hasn’t done it in a month.

Last night I ran for 25 minutes, going 2.5 miles. I felt great afterwards, both physically and emotionally. I wanted to run the 3 miles in 30 minutes, but I got a cramp and realized that 2.5 miles would be fine. No need to push myself now to get hurt. I need to listen to the signs from my own body.

I ate well yesterday too, just under 1,600 calories. I had separate servings of banana, raisins, tropical fruit mix & apples. I made a large salad with green peppers, zucchini, lettuce, tomatoes, celery, onion & some shaved turkey. Breakfast was oatmeal (with the raisins.) All in all, a good day for my first day back on the diet/running regimen.

Work showed me the money yesterday as well, so that is going well. In 10 years working for the same company, I finally got what I’d refer to as a decent raise. I don’t normally talk about my real work here, only my weekend job at the movie theater. But let me say that I like my regular job.

This wasn’t always the case. I worked at an accounting firm shortly after college (I tried working in the movie business, but due to some union shit, after I worked on 2 movies as the low man on the totem pole, the movies in Pittsburgh dried up, and I was unwilling to move away from my hometown) and then an insurance company.

Back in 1996, I figured I could continue working at the same company and be a bigger sized fish in a medium sized pond (I could move anywhere in the company I was qualified for, and the company was headquartered in Pittsburgh), or move on to another company and be a small fish in a huge pond (where I would only do one thing, as it is a satellite office with headquarters in Philadelphia.) Problem is that the huge pond paid so much better, even though I went from being one of about 5,000 to being one of about 28,000.

Well, after a few years, I was bored and hateful of how the company was run, and became disgruntled. I admit I was a bad attitude employee, and have apologized to several co-workers for my behavior, or more accurately my miserable attitude, during this time frame. The only saving grace is that I did good work, just was a miserable fuck to everyone else (especially management.)

Four years ago I decided to change jobs within my company. Now the question is, if I hated the company and was a miserable fuck, why stay on? Again, decent pay and good vacation. And I get to work just a hair away from downtown Pittsburgh and I get free parking. And I like my co-workers, or most of them.

When I changed four years ago, I got exceptionally lucky. I fell in with a great product that regularly challenges me and is well managed. The work is very dynamic and my co-workers are great.

Now I get over 6 weeks vacation. And the company showed me the money yesterday, so all is good with me in the world. As long as I keep running and eating correctly.

Don't let another day go by my love, it'll be just like starting over

2007-03-12T13:24:00.000-07:00

Starting today, I am back on the wagon. Or I’m off the wagon. Or I’m off the getting-fat-no-exercise-bad-eating-wagon and onto another wagon, the eating-healthy-while-running-wagon.

It has gotten really bad. Originally, I had planned on starting the diet part yesterday, but then I woke up and wanted to eat an enormous hoagie. And fries. And some salt & vinegar potato chips. And some Häagen-Dazs, some cherry fudge truffle light Häagen-Dazs. A whole pint in one sitting.

I realized early on that I was going to lose the battle yesterday, so I delayed starting the diet until today, when I thought the idea of going to work was enough structure for me to start eating properly. And so far (granted, only a few hours into it) all is going well. I am not hungry and have eaten properly today. I will go home and jump on the treadmill and run for 30 minutes.

And I better do this, as I now weight in regularly at 229 lbs. Fuck!

I will do this for the next 6 weeks. By April 22, 2007, I should be back into some type of presentable shape, just in time for softball season to begin in earnest. I also am going to be starting using the BowFlex sometime soon, I haven’t figured that out as of yet.

I know it all sounds like more of the same bullshit, but I need to start looking at something other than the same old. I know I like running, so I keep doing that, but I want to start doing some strength as I know muscle burns more fat, so if I have more muscle, it will burn fat faster than if I don’t build up some more.

And, in a related note, my big sister has bought herself a treadmill & BowFlex, and she is starting out walking now and wants to move on to running. Now she has never had the weight problem I had, but she feels now that she will be 40 this year she needs to take better care of herself (she has always been slim, but the past few years she feels she has put on an extra 7-10 lbs! Yes, 7 to freakin 10 pounds and she spent money on a treadmill! I know I should be happy that she is taking an interest in her health, but it isn’t like she needs to lose 70 lbs, which is about what I needed to lose when I started!)

Also, she & her husband didn’t ask me what the best treadmill to buy is, so I feel a bit left out. I mean, I’m not a complete expert, but I have a lot of experience with the treadmill, and I did research on my own (and listened to Carl, who listened to Gary, who had originally, in 2002, listened to me about getting the Reflex Deck, therefore, in reality, I listened to my own advice on getting my treadmill.) I am now dying to get over to my sister’s place and see what they spent their money on.

Listen children all is not lost, all is not lost

2007-03-08T07:59:00.001-08:00

Alright, I wasn’t completely honest in my last update. This jetlag thing is kicking my ass. I know that experts note a one day per time zone recovery period, and I was 12 time zones away, but I can’t believe this is going to go on 5 more freaking days!

According to some of my reading, one of the reasons I could be experiencing such a case of jetlag this time around is because of all the caffeine I drank on the plane. Going to and coming back from Thailand, all the flights had was Diet Pepsi (well, really, Pepsi Light or Pepsi Max, what the rest of the world calls Diet Pepsi & Pepsi One) and no caffeine free diet soda, so I drank a lot of caffeinated diet soda. So every time the drink cart came around, I sucked down a Pepsi Light. And on the 12 ½ hour Tokyo to Washington DC flight that followed the 6 hour Bangkok to Tokyo flight, I had a lot of caffeine.

And a lot of food, to be honest. My nephew is the type of person who can refuse free food. Apparently, I am not. At one point, he was sleeping and I was watching “Casino Royale” for the fourth time when a breakfast was served. We were given the choice of an omelet or pasta. I woke Tom up and asked what he wanted, and he said he wasn’t hungry. When the flight attendant came around, I ordered pasta for him and omelet for me and spent the next hour picking at his food while he slept.

I did that several times during the flights, to be honest. And sometimes when Tom didn’t finish his meals whole we were in Thailand. Let’s just say that I did not starve while I was on vacation. I ate just about everything in site and chugged beer like it was going out of style. I didn’t gain as much weight as I probably could have had I not been in better shape before I left, but I’m not in such great shape today.

I ran last night, but after only a few minutes my lungs were working overtime and hurting. I actually had to slow down much sooner than I would have liked to due to the labored breathing. It seemed excessive in its laboring, so I stopped after about 1.75 miles. Argghhhh…

Out of frustration will be born the solution. I just need to keep thinking that on the road to health.

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies, this is the dawning of the rest of our lives

2007-03-06T03:11:00.000-08:00

I have survived. That is the good part of it. It was a long journey back to Pittsburgh, but we made it and we are healthy, happy and, after 5 days for me, I think I'm rested.
Tom and I at a statue at the Grand Palace in Bangkok. We were snapping pictures left & right, and one guy asked if I wanted a picture with my son, so I said "sure." It was only afterwards I shuttered at the thought of me being a father.

And of course the requesite picture of us on the elephant. I think I only include it as I just keep thinking "Who else rides an elephant on vacation?" It isn't terribly comfortable, but oh well, when will I do that again (obviously every three years for me at least.)

Tom & I on a bamboo raft on the River Kwai at sunset. That was a cool ride down the river. People on the river are happy to give...

Since I've gotten home, I've slept most of the time and eaten anything in site. I did end up getting my cheeseburger, and it wasn't all that I'd hoped for, to be honest. We did end up getting Burger King at the Bangkok airport at about 4:30 am before we flew home, so maybe that satisfied my craving. Who knows.

After 6 days being home, I weighed myself, and I am at 224 lbs. Not too bad, better than I thought, but I think part of the weight is that some muscle has turned to fat from not running. I jumped back on the treadmill on Monday and did 21 minutes. I plan on doing just that the rest of the week, and then start eating healthy again on Sunday, running 3 miles on Monday.

More later when I have the time, energy and ability. My brain is still processing a lot of the trip and what it means in the long run. I couldn't be prouder of my nephew who handled everything that was thrown at him, even when he was tired, hungry, cranky and Mountain Dew deprived. I hope this is the beginning of his real life education right before he starts his real life work.

Good times for all.

I am a rock, I am an island

2007-02-27T21:21:00.000-08:00

The top picture is of Tom on the ferry across the Gulf of Thailand to the island of Koh Mak. It is a long, 3 hour ferry ride to the island. Tom slept on the way back.

There is a picture of me on the rocks at the corral reaf end of the island. I cut my hand when i fellin right after this picture. Dumbass. Then the picture of Tom & I on our last night and the sunset.

All in all, fantastic trip, and we only have the next 50 hours of traveling to go. We are in the port city of Trat, and will take the 6 hour bus ride into Bangkok at 6 pm, arriving at about midnight, get to the airport, and hopefully be a few hours early instead of rushing to get there. Then it is the long traveling.

I will post more when I get home, and I will tell you right now, I'd give my left arm for a real, american juicy, greasy, drippy cheeseburger right about now!

Wish us luck, and see everyone on the flip side of the world.

We're on the road to nowhere

2007-02-23T00:26:00.000-08:00

We are in the jungles of Chiang Rai Province, northern Thailand. These are the three pictures from our hike from our guest house (Akha Hill House) through the jungle. It was a fun trek, but at about 97 degrees, it was a hot one.

We spent two nights at the Akha Hill House. It was quiet and cold in the mornings, but the rest of the days were boiling hot.

We had a hell of a time up to Chiang Rai in the first place. We took an early morning bus, changed over somewhere, and then got to Fuong late, and had to hire a songthaew to drive exceptionally fast to get us up to Akha River house, which has the only transportation to Akha Hill House in the mountains. We were going very fast to make it the 104 km in under two hours.

We have spent most of the past week on buses it seems. I think Tom is tired of being on buses, but tonight, finally, we get on a plane to get back to Bangkok, taxi to bus terminal, and hopefully catch the last bus to Trat at 11:30 pm, overnight bus trip to Trat, songthaew to port city and ferry out to Koh Mak or Koh Wai, we haven't decided.

If it all works out, in less than 12 hours, we will be basking int he glorious beaches of a small island in the Gulf of Thailand. If we are delayed at the airport, then we won't get to the island until late tomorrow night after having slept in the bus terminal all Friday night, missed the first ferry to the island, and then get to the island at night, not sure of guest house as it is, and get crankier.

Then we'll bask in the glow of the warm glowingness of the southern Thailand sun.

On the road to find out

2007-02-19T07:02:00.000-08:00

The top picture is Tom at one of the ruins in Ayutthaya, the second picture is of the night market there. We ate there two nights, and it was excellent.

This is Tom on the Motor Bike. Yes, we rode motor bikes throughout Me Hong Son, in the northern part of Thailand. We each had bad ass powder puff blue Honda Waves! We were our own roving gang!

The first picture is of me at the Fish Cave in Mae Hong Son. Beautiful place.

The second picture is of Tom with the mountains in the background after our hike.

As maybe you can tell, I can't seem to get Blogger to work right on these machines. It is quite frustrating to wait in line for a computer, then try to download pictures, then try to upload them correctly, and the format to be fucked up.

If anyone is reading these updates, please comment. If not, I'm not going to waste my time and money doing it from here, as it is getting progressively frustrating if no one is reading/following our progress.

So much for the city.

2007-02-15T03:24:00.000-08:00

These are pictures from different things so far in Thailand. The first one is of the market at Patpong Road in Bangkok. You can buy anything from watches to flesh on Patpong, and no one complains.

The second picture is of Tom on the floating raft on the River Kwai that was our room for two night in Kanchanaburi, about 2 hours north of Bangkok. We left Bangkok to head north and see some of the countryside. The picture under that is Tom in Hellsfire Pass. This is part of the story of how the Japanese in World War II made locals who were conscripted and POWs build athe Thai-Burma Railway to supply Japanese troops in their fight against the Chinese.

The lats two pictures are of Tom & I at different sites of the ruins of Ayutthaya, the former capital of the Kindgdom of Siam. A lot of the ruins are preserved from the 14 & 15th centuries. Very cool.

So far the trip has been great. I actually got some strange 36 hour flubug thing that had me feeling just aweful, but I somehow survived, and now am ready for more siteseeing. As you can see from the last photo, I have gone native with my blue shirt.

The weather has cooperated. It is currently about 97 degrees here, with clear skies for days. Hopefully, that will continue for another two weeks.

People on the river are happy to give

2007-02-11T04:28:00.000-08:00

I will have to say that Wat Po, the Temple of the Reclining Buddha, is more impressive than pictures can ever do it justice. The palace is phenominal, as usual, but it is a palace. You expect it to be phenominal. The Reclining Buddha is HUGE, and you are taken aback at how huge.

(These pictures are off of my cell phone. Not bad, surprisingly.)

(I have only a short time to update, and I am hammered right now (7:30m Sunday night) so I will be impressed if a) this is in any semblenc of proper english, and b) this actually gets posted correctly.)

We are in Bangkok. This is a picture of Tom across the river from the Rama VIII bridge.

We are having a wonderful time, having been to the Grand Palace, the temple of the emerald buddha, Wat Arun, Wat Po, and a ton of other places (including the store earlier today to get a lot of Beer Chang where I learned I am now a lightweight.

The flight was very long, but Tom was a trooper who slept the last 5 hours of the flight from Tokyo to Bangkok. I, as previously predicted, was not able to sleep at all on any of the flights, but we made it and have been having fun.

We also took a long tail boat tour this morning. You get on the boat, and the driver takes you around the Choa Phraya River & surrounding canals. It is quite awesome a spectacle.

We are eating quite well, drinking quite well, and living quite well. I don't think Tom has been overwhelmed as of yet, so that is good. He is much more laid back than I give him credit for, to be honest. He is taking everything and making some good decisions. I like that.

Well, we are off to Pat Pon Road (spelled wrong I am sure, but I don't care right now.) I hope to update soon.

I love the Islands. That's my escapism.

2007-02-07T16:55:00.000-08:00

After Ayutthaya, we are going North, stopping at several different places until we arrive in Chaing Rai. When Tom & I are in Chaing Rai, we are going to spend time with the Akha Hill Tribe while Eltee heads off to a Burmese market for the day. We will come back to stay with him long enough to catcha plane, fly to Bangkok, and then a bus to Trat, and then a ferry to Koh Mak, a small island in the Gulf of Thailand.

Koh Mak is a coconut farm, so there are coconuts everywhere.

And obviously fat guys on the beaches.

And fat guys in their bungalows

And sunsets over the beach

And then we will be home.

I hope to be able to update every few days on here. We shall see, but as I wake up in 6 hours from now to start the journey, I will take my leave
and hope everyone has a great February. I know I plan on it!

Away you will go sailin’, in a race among the ruins. If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon.

2007-02-06T19:56:00.001-08:00

Ayutthaya was the capital of the Kingdom of Siam, what is today called the Kingdom of Thailand, from about 1350 until it was destroyed by the Burmese army in 1767 and the new capital was built in Thonburi, what is today a district of Bangkok, the modern day capital of Thailand.

I found Ayutthaya to be a very pleasant, history filled city. It is also the only time in Thailand I had a hot shower, and that was only because the water tanks on top of my guest house had been baking in the sun all day long and I took a shower in the evening. Ayutthaya is covered in this brownish red clay dust, and I was covered in it and didn’t want to sleep that dirty after a day of biking around.

There are ancient ruins all throughout Ayutthaya, and you are able, usually for a small fee, to walk amongst the ruins, travel into 700-800 year old temples. And you can pose on the landings of some of these temples for your friends to take pictures.

A great story I have from my 2 days in Ayutthaya, and this might help explain my friend Eltee to you, or at least his ability to always be prepared. We got a little lost riding the bikes back to our guest house, and we went down an alley. Out of nowhere to our left came these two dogs, barking and growling, clearly sounding like they were all ready for dinner.

I did what any normal person would do: I pedaled faster and pulled the bike to the right to get away from what I was certain was two rabid and hungry dogs. Eltee, on the other hand, with no hesitation, steered his bike to the left, right at the two dogs and barked right back at them.

The dogs responded by yapping, putting their tails between their legs, and running the opposite way.

And then, since Thai roads are set up on the opposite side from USA, like they are in the UK, about 5 minutes later I came seconds away from being run over by a bus since I thought I was crossing the correct turning lane when in reality I was pedaling faster to get right in front of the bus.

As usually, Eltee kept pedaling assuming I’d make it through. When we finally stopped and my heart was still pounding from what I saw as my near death experience, he was calm as a cucumber and said “Well, you didn’t get hit, so we might as well enjoy another beer together.”

All in all, one of my favorite places in Thailand, though I was only there a short time. Tom & I will be there for about the same amount of time, so I hope we get to see all the ruins, and none of the rabid dogs or oncoming buses. But maybe I should tell him these stories so that he can be more prepared than I was.

We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we'll take it higher

2007-02-06T11:18:00.000-08:00

Interesting few days on the run-up to leaving for Thailand. I’ve been able to run about every other day, which is different than I wanted to run, but I had a lot of things to do this past weekend, with Carl & his new boyfriend in town from DC, and Toby came in from Chicago. So I didn’t run on Friday, but Pittsburgh got hit with 3-4 inches of snow, so I shoveled my driveway, which took about 2 hours. I only know the time it took because I listened to two different 80’s new wave compilations on the iPod.

Yesterday morning I woke up, and suddenly, at about 6:25 am, the main breakers tripped, and all the electricity in my house went off, obviously. When I went down, the main breaker was so hot to the touch I couldn’t hold my finger on it for more than a few second.

By the evening, my nephew, the new electrician, came over and we shut down half the house to make sure that the electric heat pump could pull enough power to heat the house and not trip the breakers in the middle of the night and freeze me out.

It is nice to have an electrician in the family. My grandfather is an electrician, and he has been willing to work, but I’ve only owned the house for 20 months and he has basically been retired for the past 5 years. My nephew is young enough that he has the energy to come to my house after a long day of work and be able to help out. And he is hoping that the weather will break over the next few weeks while I am gone and he will upgrade my service to 200 amp to allow for the obvious extra electricity needed for the heat pump.

In order to try to get enough electricity for the heat pump, I had to turn off the freezer, and store much food in coolers I have on my back yard now. I don’t think I realized how much frozen fruits & vegetables I’ve bought and stuck in the back of the freezer. When I get back from Thailand, as long as the electricity works soon, I will have plenty of frozen fruits & veggies!

I ran for 30 minutes, 3.1 miles. I was a little down from I have been doing, but it won’t matter. My whole weight loss program is a train wreck currently. I am at 226 lbs yesterday morning, and it is a chubby 226 lbs. I have allowed myself to get so far off of my diet that it is effecting everything. My pants are getting slightly tighter, and that hasn’t happened in almost a year. Well, actually, I couldn’t even fit into these jeans, so the fact I fit into them now is still a good thing, but I want to continue my positive, healthy progress.

There have been a few people at my workplace who have lost a good deal of weight, only to gain it back after a time. I want this to be a lifestyle change, not some fashionable thing I do for a year and then allow myself to become unhealthy again.

All I can do now is come back from Thailand refreshed and ready to start eating right and then add the weight training program.

My car battery is going quickly, and it is turning over the engine rougher & rougher each morning. All I gotta do is have the car start 5 more times before I leave for Thailand. And if I am home when it doesn’t start up, I have use of Gary’s car while he is in England.

Sputnik, Chou En-Lai, Bridge on the River Kwai

2007-02-05T17:17:00.000-08:00

On Day 5, we will head by bus up to Kanchanaburi, which is well known because it is the setting for the actual events and the movie based on the happenings during the end of World War II at The Bridge on the River Kwai.   The bridge is a major tourist attractions, of course, and there are many museums and sites dedicated to what happened, and what little is known about, the Japanese & Thai partnership during WWII.

One Japanese tourist that was staying at the same guest house as us in Kanchanaburi actually came up to me afterwards, asked if I was from an Allied country, I said I was American, and he apologized. He said he didn't know about what happened there, what his people had done, as this isn't taught in Japan. He had just come back from one of the museums, where he had just learned that the Japanese used western Allies POWs, as well as downtrodden Asians, as forced labor to create a railway from the Gulf of Thailand through Burma so that the Japanese army could get supplies to fight the Chinese.

16,000 Allied POWs died making this railway, and it is referred to these days as
the Death Railway.

This is me, of course, on the actual bridge. The guest house I stayed in was on the River Kwai.  Not next to it, actually floating on top of it.  It was very cool.

There is a superstition in Thailand that you will have luck for one year of you ride on
an elephant.  I don't know if I had any more luck the year after I did ride one, but it was cool.

One very strange occurrence, though, is that the elephant rider, a poor boy I assume but he will ride the same elephant for the life of the elephant, actually started
stroking my legs when we were walking through the jungle.

I gave him a tip to stop doing it.  It was actually creepy, and I hope this year he doesn't start
weird shit with my nephew & I riding the elephant together.  But I will have some money for
the tip.

We only spent 2 night in Kanchanaburi, and really, I think that is all my nephew & I will be staying this time as well. You can see quite a bit on a long, one day trip, and that is what we will be doing.

Tomorrow, I will talk about Ayutthaya, the former capital of the Kingdom of Siam.

When I'm in a traffic jam He don't care if I say "damn." I can let all my curses roll, Plastic Jesus doesn't hear

2007-02-04T06:26:00.000-08:00

We are going to take a temple tour by tuk tuk, a sort of motorized rickshaw.

More accurately, a tuk tuk is a wide open, recklessly driven, 3-wheeled tin or sheet metal bodied motorized tricycle. They whip in an out of the congested traffic of Bangkok with ease, but I always fear they are just seconds away from tipping over.

When my friend says that on Sunday we will be having a temple tour by tuk tuk, I don’t actually know what he is saying. I don’t think we’d rent a tuk tuk to take us from temple to temple, as they are ubiquitous in Bangkok, so easy to get one. But I don’t think they are just sitting next to all the temples, waiting for westerners to hire them. Most westerners don’t go to temples. The tuk tuks are usually around all the shopping districts and really big attractions, like the Grand Palace.

There are two temples I am waiting to see, one for the first time.

I’ve been to the Wat Saket, or Temple of the Golden Mount.

It is one of the oldest temples in Bangkok, dating back 300-400 years. It was built on the highest hill in Bangkok, and off of the roof, it does have a great view of the western side of the city.

The next one is Wat Pho, or more famously, The Temple of the Reclining Buddha. This is home to the single largest Buddha image in the world, obviously the Reclining Buddha. This image is 46 meters long by 15 meters high, with mother of pearl eyes and on the soles of its feet, which are huge and depict different Chinese and Indian scenes. I have wanted to see it, so I will on next Sunday!

While your temple still survives, you at least are still alive

2007-02-03T05:01:00.000-08:00

Wat Arun translates into Temple of the Dawn. It is a Buddhist temple on the banks of the Chao Phraya river in Bangkok, and it is a most impressive looking temple. The central spire, called a prang, is the highlight of the temple. It rises about 80 meters up, and you can walk up the central prang to the doors.

Wat Arun is hundreds of years old, and oddly enough I couldn’t locate a reference that place that would put an exact date on when it was built, only that it was built while Ayutthaya was the capital, between 1350 & 1767. It was once home to the Emerald Buddha before that was moved to its current home in 1784

I did not visit Wat Arun when I was in Bangkok. These are two pictures I took while on the boat. We saw it from across the river, and the last day I was in Bangkok the sun was coming up behind it, and it looked magnificent. We were all packed up going to the train station to get up to Kanchanaburi, where the Bridge over the River Kwai is located.

So when Tom & I go to the Wat Arun next Saturday, it will be the first time I see it for myself up close. I am all sorts of excited! Lots of pictures to come!

You can't see me suddenly, I got pictures on my mind

2007-02-02T11:18:00.000-08:00

This is from my May/June trip to Amsterdam

This is from my June/July trip to Rome

This is from my Championship softball game in August

This is from my November trip to the United Kingdom - Stonhenge obviously

This is from Leeds Castle in November

Through the years, through all the good and bad

2007-02-02T10:57:00.000-08:00

This is me in Kindergarten - cute, ain't I?

This is me in college, 1989, at about 270 lbs.

This is 1992 in Brooklyn, I had lost weight and was at 195 lbs.

This is at my absolute heaviest, 272 lbs, on my first tour in Europe (Tower of London here)

This was in July 2005 in Paris, was at about 255 lbs.

You don’t have to worry cause you have no money, people on the river are happy to give

2007-02-02T09:57:00.000-08:00

(This is me on a klong tour in Bangkok in 2004. This is officially the first picture of me I've put on this blog.)

I took what is called a klong boat tour when I was in Bangkok. This is a long tail boat that takes you for a few hours around the city on the Chao Phraya river.

In looking through the pictures, it amazes me how Bangkok, maybe out of necessity or maybe out of ingenuity, utilizes the rivers & canals around it. The back porches of people's homes are the river. They keep boats off the back porch, and that is how they get from place to place, tying up their boats along the river and going shopping. Some older women actually will row around to different market sites or work sites and cook lunch for the construction workers, kind of a floating fast food restaurant.

There are regular boats that are part of the public transportation for the city. Instead of taking the bus, you take the boat, and it is usually much faster than the bus. Traffic congestion in Bangkok is horrible.

The river is an important part of Thailand’s history. Barges have been for centuries to carry sacred images of the Buddha from place to place, or to bring the current ruler into an area. On the klong boat tour, there is a stop off at the Royal Barge Museum, and it is breathtaking the craftsmanship that has gone into these Royal Barges. On the Chao Phraya river, they do have the Royal Barge Procession. 15 of these processions have taken place during the reign of the current king, King Rama IX, or King Bhumibol. A version of the procession has been happening in Thailand for 700 years.

This will be another activity my nephew & I will do while we are in Bangkok for those first 4 days.

One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster. The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free

2007-02-01T08:35:00.000-08:00

(This is a picture I took in 2004 of the Emerald Buddha. It is also the first photo I've ever put on my blog! Yeah me!)

The Grand Palace and the Temple of the Emerald Buddha will probably be the first tourist destination we visit in Bangkok. That will be early morning Saturday, less than 12 hours after we land. I don’t know if my nephew is going to be coherent enough to enjoy it after 29 hours of traveling, but he will be there!

The Grand Palace in Bangkok was built starting in 1782, and was the official residency of the Kings of Thailand from that time until the middle of the 20th century. It is a sprawling complex of beautiful buildings, temples, offices and gardens. It also contains the Temple to the Emerald Buddha, the most important icon in Thai Buddhism.

The Emerald Buddha is actually a small Buddha statue made of jade. Legend has it that it is either a 1,000 years old and came from India, or it is 500 years old and was found following a plaster Buddha being struck by lightning and the Emerald Buddha was under it. Either way, it is a beautiful, small, green statue of the Buddha that is the centerpiece of Wat Phrakaew (“Wat” means “Temple” in Thai.)

We have to also take off our shoes to go into the temples. I remember what looked like hundreds of pairs of sandals on the steps leading into the Temple of the Emerald Buddha. And how these would have been stolen had it been in the west. But in Buddhist Thailand, it is the norm to leave your shoes/sandals in front of the temple and not expect them to be stolen.

I wouldn’t do the same thing with my iPod or digital camera, of course. I ain’t crazy!

The art work on the outside and the inside of the complex is phenomenal, and is quintessential Thai in it’s intricacy, color and detail. I hope I can put up a picture here that will show the beauty.

One of my favorite places that I went to in Bangkok was this small garden off to the side of all the busyness of the palace and temple. It was quiet, it was beautiful and it was reflective. And I am looking forward to sitting in the middle of this garden and reflecting on having my nephew with me. And my good friend Eltee.

Here is a link to the Grand Palace and Temple of the Emerald Buddha: Grand Palace and the Temple os the Emerald Buddha

this is the house that funk built, groove armada style

2007-01-31T08:44:00.000-08:00

I have been running this week, but not eating too well.

But I have run, 3.15 miles in 30 minutes Monday & Tuesday, and I plan on doing it again tomorrow, Friday & Saturday. Then take Sunday off and do it next Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday. Then I will be ready for my trip.

Excited for the trip, but somewhat nerve wracked trying to plan for everything that needs to be done prior to leaving.

You’d think with all the traveling I’ve done since I bought the house 20 months ago that I’d be ready to leave it for some time, but 3 weeks just seems so very long. And with cats, garbage, recycling, shoveling and general upkeep of the house not to mention paying the appropriate bills, it is a long time.

I want to start profiling some of the expected highlights of our trip, but I am having trouble with the pictures and even the fucking hyperlink. For some reason, the only way my blog takes hyperlinks is when I do it on my laptop, not my desk top at home or any other computer I use. But my parents are using my laptop as their PC is fried (motherboard, I think – Thank you Carl!) and I don’t want to talk about these places without pictures or even possible links to websites with pictures. I suck at this.

Well, the first place to highlight is the Vimanmek Palace. This is the largest golden teakwood mansion in the world. The craftsmanship is phenomenal, the detail is almost impossible to believe. Vimanmek was originally built in 1900 by King Rama V, and then it was moved and reassembled perfectly at its present location in Bangkok a year later. The mansion actually was dormant for years, from about 1925 until in 1982 it was renovated to represent what it looked like at the time it was originally built and was opened to the public. With its western architectural style and thai style, it is the perfect fusion of east & west and a must see for anyone who loves architecture.

Just make sure, if you are western, you cover your legs. This is a one thing for western visitors to Thailand to remember – if you go into a royal palace, you must cover your legs & arms, and your sandals have to have ankle & heel straps.

Look up Vimanmek Palace on wikipedia, or check out vimanmek for more information. I have pictures of me there, but I can’t seem to figure out this shit yet.

Take me out tonight. Where there’s music and there’s people and they’re young and alive

2007-01-29T13:54:00.000-08:00

Last week after working at the movie theater, I came out to my car, and it was a sheet of ice. I got out my trusty ice scraper and used it, and then just before I was done, it snapped in half.

Now, to most people, buying an ice scraper isn’t a big deal, but it hit me that I’ve never bought one because the one I broke was the only ice scraper I have ever owned. My grandmother bought it for me 19 years ago, when I first bought my ‘69 VW Beetle. It lasted through the ’67 Plymouth Valiant, ’86 Chevy Chevette, ’92 Diahatsu Charade (all 3 cylinders in that car), ’97 Suzuki Sidekick and now the ’03 Mazda Protégé5.

This made me a little sad, because it was probably one of the few things that I use regularly that reminds me of her. She died almost 5 years ago on 02/19/2002, and a week doesn’t go by without me thinking about her. She was a very unique and strong willed woman who shaped me in so many ways.

My grandmother was born in Fall River, MA in 1924. Her parents had emigrated from Newcastle, England, and her father was wealthy. She used to show me pictures of their summer home on Martha’s Vineyard. I remember one specifically where she was standing on the wraparound porch in a cute little hat. She used to speak to me reverentially about her father.

When she was 18, she got pregnant to an army soldier, Henry McAvoy, who was deployed to Europe before she had time to marry him. Her father was angry with her, and shipped her off to New York City after my mother was born as he was embarrassed by the whole episode. From what I can gather, my great-grandmother sided with her daughter, and this led to problems that culminated in their divorce, and my great-grandfather taking all the money with him to his new, younger wife. I think my grandmother took the burden of her actions with her for the rest of her life.

She did marry the man who got her pregnant and moved with him to his hometown of Pittsburgh, PA. She raised my mother and had some medical problems and did not delivery any more live babies, even though it seems she was pregnant on a few other occasions. Therefore, my mother is an only child, who had six children.

She was a wonderful grandmother: there has never been a moment in my life where I ever doubted that she loved me. She was the first person I told I was gay. Actually, when I was 17 I told her I was bisexual, and her response was “I don’t believe in bisexuals – they are just greedy. Pick which one you are and be that!” To this day, I still don’t truly believe men can be true bisexuals. I have never met one myself. Many of us start out saying that as a segue into being homosexual. Like it is easier for heteros to accept us if they think we are like them in some ways. Grandma wouldn’t let me get away with it, and I didn’t.

(As an aside, I seem to have a belief that women can be bisexual much more than men. I don’t know why, but the ones I’ve met seem to be more fluid in their sexuality. Or maybe I’ve just never met a truly bisexual man.)

My grandmother fought for me and all of her other grandchildren. Once, my sister & I did something to a neighbor’s pool, I don’t even know what it was, when I was like 4 or 5 years old. I think she accused us of throwing rocks onto the pool cover. We were both young, so I can’t imagine we were throwing boulders or anything heavy to damage it, but the woman who lived there saw us do something (I personally think we were racing and I threw my gum out, but I can’t remember the truth now 32 years later.) Well, she ran after us, caught us (she was a former babysitter of ours so she knew us and we stopped running) and then proceeded to slap me & my sister. I remember standing in the middle of the street crying my eyes out.

My grandmother learned of this, marched right down to her house, yelled at her to come out, and when she didn’t come out, she trashed this woman’s porch. If that woman thought a pebble or some gum on her pool tarp was bad, she probably didn’t like a patio furniture set on thrown on top of it. There used to be a Regent Pop bottling plant nearby, so everyone always saved their Regent Pop bottles and the plant would give you a discounted rate to fill them up. This woman had about 5 cases of empty pop bottles. My grandmother threw them all down the steps and broke every one of them. And on top of that, she got the police to come and arrest this woman for assault charges. My sister had to testify at the trial, but I was deemed too young (I don’t remember the outcome of the trial.)

My grandmother was a bad ass! There was never a time I didn’t feel safe in her house, or out with her. She had my Pap train her German Shepherds to protect her grandchildren, even to the point that if Pap ever rough-housed with us, the dogs would bite him.

And she remained a bad ass to the end. She had throat cancer, and had problems eating after the treatment, and she ended up withering away. It was very sad to be around. Such a vibrant woman full of life and love, and then she couldn’t maintain her weight, then she couldn’t walk, then she was bedridden.

She lapsed into a coma on 02/12/2002 and was brought to the hospital. She would come in and out of the coma while in the hospital. My one brother and his wife, who live in New York City, were in the US Virgin Islands, and we couldn’t contact him for a while. Once we did, he wasn’t able to make it into town until Sunday, 02/17/2002.

We pulled the plug on Friday, 02/15/2002. She held on. She had been in a coma since the day after she was brought into the hospital. My brother showed up on Sunday, she came out of the coma, said hi to him, talked to him for a little while, kissed him, and then fell back asleep.

A nurse was cleaning her and changing the sheets. When she was done, she leaned in and said “Is there anything else you need Mary?” My grandmother opened her eyes and said “No, honey, I just need to die now.” My sister & I were shocked at first, but I realized she accepted this inevitability.

And she had said goodbye to all her family members, all her grandchildren. She held on and fought until she could kiss Jeff, the final one to show up. And then she quietly died after we’d all left the hospital Monday night. Oddly enough, the last thing on the television on Monday night when we left was an A&E Biography on Lizzie Borden, who was also from Fall River, MA, and who my great grandmother always said she had lived across the street from for a few years. Maybe my grandmother wanted to watch that just for the memories.

Interestingly, on the ride back from the movie theater after I snapped the ice scraper in half, I was in tears. A simple ice scraper breaking had brought me to tears. But as I thought of her, I actually smiled. And I know now that I don’t need the ice scraper to hold on to her memory. I have them all in my head. As long as I live, I am a part of my grandmother, and she is a part of me.

I like to think she knew that her ice scraper would last 19 years. It would be like her to make sure that I was taken care of even after she was gone.

And I still miss her terribly. But, in the end, I feel lucky, actually privileged, to have known her for almost 33 years.

Always know sometimes think it's me, but you know I know when it's a dream. I think a "No" will mean a "Yes," but it's all wrong.

2007-01-26T06:55:00.000-08:00

It’s Friday. I am going to work. Enough said!

No?

For the uninitiated, I don’t work on Fridays at my regular job (I reference working at the movie theater – that is a secondary or even tertiary job for me – taking care of my house is more my secondary job at times.)

I think with all the work I’m doing and the fact I’m trying to save plenty of money for the trip, I might be the most boring person in the universe right now.

I went home last night, again had to park car at the end of my driveway, shovel and salt the rest of my driveway, pull car into garage…and kind of laid around the rest of the evening. Ate some burritos from Trader Joe’s. Had some White Castle cheeseburgers (the frozen kind, as Pittsburgh does not have a White Castle near anymore.) Had some raisins. Didn’t run, didn’t do much of anything.

See? Boring…just the dullest I think I’ve been in forever. I am even working 6 days each week, sometimes 7. At least last year at this time I was distracted by the Steelers tremendous run up to the Super Bowl and my own girth. Now that I’ve lost 40 + pounds, it is tough to worry about it too much, as long as I maintain.

At least it will start getting exciting in about 2 weeks. Actually, in almost 14 days exactly we will be landing in Bangkok. That does make me excited, but I have to get through the next 12 days of work.

I think in the next few days, I am going to organized enough to start highlighting the sites we are planning on seeing on this site, so that when I start mentioning them when I update from Thailand (yes, I am now taking the course that I WILL be updating from Thailand) readers will be familiar to those spots.

That is my goal as of right now. We shall see how that works out. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Being there at the right time, cheaper than a dime

2007-01-25T09:43:00.000-08:00

Got the calcium chloride and it is working great on my driveway. There will be no more skating down my driveway in my car.

I didn’t end up running on Tuesday after doing it on Monday, only because I am working late, and after I got back from Lowe’s Home Improvement with the 50 lb bag of calcium chloride, finished shoveling my driveway and then salted it (I know I am not technically “salting” it, but that is how I will describe it – calcium chloriding my driveway doesn’t make any sense) it was after 8:30pm, time to make food and watch American Idol.

Yesterday morning proved to me why I need to keep up on the driveway. I went down my driveway, which I’d freshly salted at 5:00 am, and stopped as a dump truck flew past my car, going so fast that my car shook as it went past. Had that truck been going down there at the same time on Tuesday, I wouldn’t be typing this now, I’d be drinking all meals through a straw, and that would be the optimistic view of things.

So I got home last night and ran. That is going well, at least. I am eating like a pig, though I am mostly keeping it low fat content. I just feel hungry more often now than I have in the past, and I keep feeding myself.

I am looking forward to my trip to Thailand, obviously, but I am also looking forward to starting the weight training program when I get back. I still run, and it is still fun, but I am ready to change it up a little, see if I can do it. Plus, I do have the free Bowflex just sitting there collecting dust.

On the final note today, m nephew Tom, the one who is going to Thailand today, checked several times since last winter when his last day of school is. It has been February 7, 2007. He explained to them that his Uncle (me) was taking him overseas once he graduated. They told him he could leave February 8, 2007. So let it be written, so let it be known.

By some weird coincidence, United was having a fare sale to Thailand for travel to Bangkok anytime beginning December 7, 2006 through February 8, 2007, with travel ending by March 1, 2007. As coincidence goes, we wanted to be in Thailand for 3 weeks, so if we left February 8 and came back on March 1, that would be 3 weeks total, and I’d get a break on the cost of the flight. I ended up saving between $150-$200 per ticket going on these days. Very happy Mike!!

Yesterday, the school said that the students have to come in on February 8, 2007 for finals. Out of the fucking blue, completely arbitrarily, the school has decided to delay finals one day.

My nephew is certain that he will be able to actually do the finals on February 7 after talking to his teacher, but it pissed me off yesterday. Especially when I thought about it would be a shame that my nephew would have spent the past 20 months going to school to become a carpenter, and was going to miss out on his degree because I was going to drug him and force him to get on the plane at 7 am on February 8, making him miss his finals.
Cause I wasn’t spending another $350 per ticket to change (I checked, $200 change fee, and the difference between what a regular ticket would cost at the time I’d change, which would probably be about $150.)

I'm not cheap. I'm frugal. And this has nothing to do with me being frugal.

Well, maybe a little bit, but not much.

You know the nearer your destination the more you’re slip slidin’ away

2007-01-23T10:19:00.001-08:00

I had probably the scariest moment of my life at my house this morning. My heart is still pounding just thinking about “what could have happened.”

I bought my house almost 2 years ago, and I have loved just about every moment of being a home owner. Even when the gas was shut off when it was found that the pipes were leaking, at least I learned quickly how to solve some house problems that I didn’t know I could do. However…

I live on a very busy road, a 4 lane road that is the major artery, Route 30, from the Parkway to the southeastern suburbs of Pittsburgh, with a speed limit of 40. That only means most people only go 60 mph on it (including myself when I drive past my own house at times) most of the time. My driveway is 65 feet, downhill, onto Route 30. And it is a blind driveway, built out of the hill, so my yard on my left, and I can’t see the cars coming from the left until about the last 4-5 feet. My driveway is about 8 feet wide, and the retaining wall is about 2 -2 ½ feet high. Seriously, it is tough to see anything until you are almost on top of the traffic.

I had shoveled snow last night when I got home at about 6:45 pm. Then, when I checked right before I went to bed, it had snowed a little bit more, so I went out and snowed, put down more salt & sand (for traction) and went to bed around 10 pm.

In the past, when the driveway has been slick, I’ve been able to drive down it slowly, slide a little bit and stop. I survived last winter with no problems. My car is 69 inches wide, so the 8 feet driveway has never posed a problem.

This morning, I got in my car, opened the garage door, and made the left down my driveway. I hit the breaks, and I kept going forward. Slowly. In one direction, not even like I was sliding from side to side. I just kept going straight down, barreling forward onto Route 30. With about 10 feet to go, I panicked and decided to turn the steering wheel and hit the retaining wall to stop myself. Nothing. So I screamed. Like a howler monkey as I just kept sliding straight onto the road.

I got very lucky as there were no cars coming towards me. I sat in the middle of the road for about 20 seconds saying “Holy Fuck, Holy Fuck, Holy Fuck” over and over again. Then I turned the car to the right and drive to work. Shaking most of the time, but I made it there.

So tonight, right after work, I am going to Home Depot, buying up all the magnesium chloride, or whatever it is that I normally use, along with some sand, shoveling the driveway, salting & sanding it down, and this might cut into my ability to run tonight. And then doing it again tomorrow morning before I shower. I will NOT live through that sliding hell that I experienced this morning.

I don’t want to be running after 8 or 9 pm, and last night I didn’t get home until after 6:45 pm, shoveled and then ran, and finished around 7:45 pm. That is too late for me to be running. Maybe I can run first, eat, relax, and then shovel at 10 again, cause I’m just going to at the very least salt it down again tomorrow at 5:30 am.

“My brain goo's coming out all artistical, thanks to you” – Moe Szyslak

2007-01-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

Not a bad weekend. I wanted to point out that I participated in an exercise in self awareness that Allesandro is conducting over at disc0mb0bulati0ns. It was to write a letter to your teenage self knowing what you know now. I didn’t know if Id like it or not, as I am a private person (so says the guy who has faithfully written this blog for over 12 months, 170 entries – doesn’t sound too private) and don’t normally like to show my flaws, at least old flaws. Flaws from today I can handle, flaws from 20 years ago usually embarrass me.

But I decided to try and write a letter, and to be honest, it came easily. And it was interesting to think about what I would actually tell myself back then. I tell everyone that I wouldn’t want to be 17 again, and that is truer today after looking back at what I actually was at that age. But that doesn’t change the fact that we all had to go through this age, these mistakes, the turbulence of the age, and hopefully we learned.

My mother used to always say “Youth is wasted on the young.” And I used to believe her. But in looking back now, I think that we learn so much when we are young that we apply for the rest of our lives that it isn’t wasted. In watching my nieces and nephews grow up, I agree that teenagers do spend a lot of time screwing things up, but how are they going to learn if they don’t make mistakes?

I’m sure you’ve all heard of George Santayana’s famous line “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." I think that our teenage years are when we learn so much about other people and relationships that we have to learn from it, or we make the same mistakes again and again. And I don’t think we can learn it just by hearing it from people, we have to experience it for ourselves.

I also think it is harder growing up gay, though, as we don’t usually hear it from anyone. Anything we learn is from ourselves. Sadly, in the predatory nature that seems prevalent in the “gay community,” older gay men want to keep younger gay men innocent of the truth long enough to seduce them.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that the sexually predatory nature of relationships from older to younger is relevant our society regardless of sexual identity, older men have been tring to seduce younger women for ages (Even Julius Cesear was 31 years older than Cleopatra when they tumbled together in 48 & 47 BC.)

I think the difference is that, for the most part, younger women have a lot of warning growing up, from parents, schools, police, even televisions shows on a regular basis. Most 18 year old women working at Hooters know the score, they know that they are using their youth and sexuality to get bigger tips and such, and there are many chivalrous men who will come to defend them when one man gets too pushy or touchy

I don’t think that young gay men are given this information, so they are more vulnerable until learn that on their own, usually at a later age than women. I’m not saying that young woman have an advantage, but society as a whole has protected them more.

And that is where we, as gay men, must learn from our mistakes. I think, in looking back at my teenage years, I did an adequate job of learning. I wish I’d learned some things earlier than I did, but in the long haul, I did learn. I think that blogging about them is a way to get it out there so that some younger gay men might learn from some of my mistakes.

I realize that that sentence sounds arrogant, but it is one small way I can change the world, specifically the gay world. It is the reason I am out to everyone at work, why I talk to people at work about it when they ask me. It may seem like a small thing, but I’ve had at least 3 people tell me that they’ve changed their minds on gay people (most specifically, that it isn’t a choice), and each of these people are parents, so they get the chance to shape their children’s minds.

If I can teach a younger gay man something important, maybe they will be that much wiser, or ready for what is to come. They aren’t getting it from their parents, teachers, police or television shows (that gay character that was on “Desperate Housewives” wasn’t exactly teaching anyone anything good!) So they have to get it from us older gay men. And we need to stop being predatory.

Does that make sense? Oh, and there is a picture of me along with my entry. Once I figure out how to do pictures on my own blog, that picture will be here as well, but I can't figure it out.

True revolutionaries never bomb buildings…it attracts too much attention

2007-01-19T12:09:00.000-08:00

Last two days I’ve been under 220 for the first since October. I was at 219.5. I am feeling a bit better about it as well, though a little anxious that I will work hard for 3 more weeks and then stop running for an entire 3 weeks in Thailand.

I will be walking a lot through the regular tourist sites in the cities, climbing in the mountains in Chiang Rai, riding a bike through the city of Ayutthaya, and swimming in the Gulf of Thailand, so I should get some good exercise, but nothing like running 3.15 miles a day (that is right, I am now up to 3.15 every day, up .05 miles! I know, it is a small victory, but a victory nonetheless) but at least I won’t be sitting on a beach, baking myself.

Also, I will be sweating. A lot. It is regularly over 95 degrees F there, with humidity that I’ve never felt before. When I went there in 2004, it felt like someone placed two huge bricks on my shoulders when I stepped off the plane. I am ready for it this time, and my nephew is like 120 pounds, so he should be fine after the initial shock.

I will say one more thing about my current food. Two days in a row this week, I’ve finished my run and been famished. As noted here before, this has happened to me before, and I don’t understand it. Last night, I was shaking walking to the kitchen after I finished running. I was so weak, all I could do was sit down and eat an apple and some crackers. I am eating the same amount of calories as always, and I’ve never had this problem before. Quite frustrating.

I did just check the in flight entertainment for our trip to Bangkok. Actually, we are going to Japan first, and our movies are listed as “All the King’s Men,” “Flags of Our Fathers,” Flushed Away,” “A Good Year,” “Man of the Year,” “The Queen” and “Running with Scissors.” Not bad, as I’ve not seen one of them. Sadly, as I work in a movie theater and could see them all for free. I have no plan to see “A Good Year” or “Flags of Our Fathers,” but the rest of them should be good at distracting me from being on a plane for 13 ½ hours. And in case that fails, I do have the first 8 episodes of the HBO series “Rome” and 8 movies on my iPod, as well as 5950 songs on it. And a book to read. And I can start walking around the jet when I am truly bored. Sadly, I don’t ever seem able to sleep on the plane, so distracting me from the boredom of flying is my only hope.

You could make somebody a pretty little wife, but don't let anybody tell you how to live your life

2007-01-17T12:16:00.000-08:00

I decided to start running a little farther, and have been able to get up to 3.15 miles, after months of running 3.1. Doesn’t sound like that much of a change, but it is quite challenging to get it all done in 30 minutes.

Eating. Yeah, I’ve been eating. A lot at times. As the temperatures are down, I seem to require more food to sit around doing nothing. It is annoying and frustrating to me, but that is the way it is going to be. Yesterday morning, I was 221 lbs. I think I a hoping to “stay the course” until I get back from Thailand, and then start with the strength training alongside the cardio I do.

Sadly, I feel like the running more will be for naught, just because I will only be doing it for 3 more weeks, and then I’ll be gone for 3 weeks in Thailand. Can you believe it? 3 weeks and 1 day I’ll be getting on the plane? Damn, it seems to be hurling towards me, and I don’t know if I’ll be ready. That is the best part of a plane trip – whether you are ready or not, on that specific day, you have to be at the airport for that flight.

This week I am listening to my entire Elvis Costello collection. This does not include every album he’s ever released, but it does include most of them, as well as some special releases (including the 5 EP collection “Costello and Nieve” from 1996) and I can’t believe how consistently good his work is.

I would even say that 1994’s “Brutal Youth,” with it’s angry songs “Just About Glad” and “Kinder Murder” is as excellent an album as “My Aim is True,” a true classic album with terrific songs such as “Alison,” "(The Angels Wanna Wear My) Red Shoes” and “Watching the Detectives” (and don’t bother me with the fact that “Watching the Detectives” was no on the original UK version – it was written and performed at the same time as the rest of the album and was released as a single in the UK at the same time as “My Aim is True,” so I consider it part of that album.)

I think you could easily make a case for “When I Was Cruel,” his 2002 release, to be included in the same breath of excellence as his earlier albums. The first song, “45” combines the titular number as a year, an age and a vinyl record speed behind a slow beat and a melody that will have you singing it when you didn’t realize you are even doing it. Then he spits out a song like “Tear Off Your Own Head (It's a Doll Revolution)" in the next breath, and just for good measure, he sings pure pop like “Alibi” that makes you sway your head to the tune. And those 3 albums would be an excellent entire career for most singer/songwriters, and I haven’t even noted most of his popular songs. And 25 years separates those three albums. To be able to maintain that level of songwriting and musicianship is amazing. I contend that if Elvis Costello has the smooth jazz voice of a Luther Vandross or the versatile vocal talents of an Elton John, he would have been more popular than all of them.

As it is, he has remained on parts of the fringe of the popular music arena, revered by other artists, and respected by a part of the music buying public. If you don’t know him, I recommend the 3 albums I noted above, but really, any of his stuff is of high quality if you like well crafted songs and smart lyrics.

If you don't, then buy the new Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson or whatever is popular. I guess as long as it helps you tap your toes, it's good. But Elvis Costello is so worth a listen or two.

We both have the same mind. And time and time we have so much to share

2007-01-15T17:53:00.000-08:00

“I’m a college student,” he says, and then follows my eyes as I look at the high school letter jacket that says “Nick ’07.” “Almost,” he finishes, giggling.

Earlier in the afternoon, he had come to see “Dreamgirls” at the theater, and when he handed me the ticket, he asked me if I’d seen it. “Of course, “ I said, “It was very enjoyable.”

“I have the original cast recording with Jennifer Holiday, and I just can’t believe that Jennifer Hudson is better than her.” He stated, sure of himself.

“Well, Jennifer Holiday is a legend, and since she made the role famous when it came out originally, it will be hard for anyone to be compared to her.” I am not really doing anything but making idle chat waiting for the next person to buy their ticket so I can rip it and tell them which way their theater is. I don’t normally work at the movie theater on Mondays, but someone called off, and I had the day off my regular job because of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

“Well,” Nick said, “I’ll tell you what I think of it,” and he walked to see the movie.

I hadn’t even thought of the conversation when suddenly, two hours later, he is standing next to me, gushing.

“It was so much better than I’d hoped it would be. Jennifer Hudson was perfect in the role.”

“They waited so long to make it, I’m sure they knew how to cast it.” I say this not to make conversation, really, just because I didn’t know what else to say.

“Beyonce was good, but she can’t hold a candle to Jennifer Hudson as a singer.” He seems to hesitate, not sure what else to say. “I can’t believe they are pushing Jennifer for the Best Supporting Actress Oscar, she clearly is a lead.”

“Oh,” I say, “I didn’t realize that is what was going on.”

There is an awkward pause, and I’m hoping more moviegoers come by so I can tear their tickets and this kid won’t hang around.

He looks at me shyly, eyes not quite meeting mine. “We could go somewhere and talk about the movie,” he says, and then much quieter “or anything else.”

I don’t know what to say. It’s not like I don’t know what is going on, but I am not comfortable, not the least because I am more than twice his age. So I decide to state that fact. “I am too old for you,” is what I say, because “You are too young” seems silly or maybe hurtful.

“I don’t mind.” He says, and the crack in his voice is almost heartbreaking to hear. I am impressed that he is this brave, and saddened that it is for not. “I like older men,” he continues with a stronger voice, almost singing it. And that is when he says “I’m a college student,” and then forced to add “almost,” with his giggle.

“I was in college before you were born,” is all I can come up with to reply, smiling at him and shaking my head.

“Well, let me have your number, and I’ll call you about the movie.” He somehow makes this sound less desperate than I imagined.

I want to tell him to run away from all the older men who will use him for a quick fuck as he hopes to find someone worthy of him. I want him to know more of the world before he rolls around, sweaty and naked, with some guy just to be able to understand that it is about age & experience sometimes. I want him to fall in love and have his heart broken, just to learn that it can be mended and he can love again.

But I don’t want to be that person. “I don’t think that is going to happen. But I’m sure I’ll see you when I work here.”

He smiles at me and walks away slowly. He stops, comes back and from his wallet pulls out some paper, picks up the pen on my desk and writes on it, and hands it to me. “If you want to call me sometime you can,” he says and walks away.

I am a bit flush with the excitement of someone flirting with me, someone so innocent that they don’t mind the 20 years difference, someone who is so new to this that they look past my flaws that are, to me, glaring. And I am saddened that I won’t be able to look at myself without seeing these perceived flaws that prevent me from being myself.

I look at the paper, and he has written his name with a big smiley face on it. Clearly, he is too young and wide eyed for someone as jaded as me. He needs to go to college and fall for an upperclassmen who will treat him well for a while before breaking his heart. Or maybe that first one will work out, and I am just a cynical old queen.

As I leave an hour later, walking through the hallways where the theaters are to exit near my car, I rip up his number, dropping little pieces in each of the garbage can. I am excited that someone was brave enough to do that, to put themselves out there, for me. But I won’t be the man to break this kids heart. And with more than 20 years between us, that is how it would end.

Good luck Nick. And good luck to me.

Could we please be objective? Cause the other boys are queuing up behind us

2007-01-12T11:15:00.000-08:00

Food-wise, so far so good, that is all I will say. Not bad at all, though not exactly what I wanted. If I can be this good for another 8 days, I’ll be very happy. Now the challenge of the weekend is in front of me. I just need to organize my food and not eat just out of boredom!

I’ve run 4 times this week, 3 times hitting the 3.1 mile mark, and I have felt better the past two days. My sneezy, coughy snottiness seems to be getting better, so that makes me happier. I will run again tomorrow morning before I do some running around prior to working my second job.

Sadly, I forgot to take a day off of my second job, and now, as it is MLK weekend, I work the next 3 days. I can’t complain, as it will be more money, and it isn’t like I had anything planned at all to do with Carl in New York City for work this weekend and Gary in London for work for the next few months. And Kyle having himself a boyfriend, I don’t have other gay friends to go out. And I’m not sure I want to right now. I don’t know what I want. I feel like a big baby sometimes. WAH WAH!!

Gary & I went out a few weeks ago when he was back for vacation from London, and I can’t say that I enjoyed most of my time out. I just don’t seem comfortable at a club, and I think it showed. I am usually a very garrulous, outgoing guy, but get me in a room full of cute gay men & I become cold, clammy and not too talkative. That is the next thing I need to work on. Or the next thing to work on after I work on the next thing that I said I’d work on, so that will be the second next thing I work on. After I finish working on that which I am currently working. So to summarize, I will work on the weight loss/healthy plan, then I will work on better sleep more often, and THEN I will work on feeling comfortable in a gay bar.

And considering this step one, the healthy-weight-loss plan was technically started on 10/31/2005 when I started running on the treadmill, I will probably be over 40 before I start on step 3.

Yeah me.

Give me envy, give me malice, give me a-a-attention. Give me envy, give me malice, baby, give me a break!

2007-01-10T07:41:00.000-08:00

Eating has been good so far this week. I am eating my excellent oatmeal & raisins as I type this. Last night I made a stir fry with a spicy mango sauce with those Morning Star vegetarian chicken strips and it was excellent. I could have eaten 3 bowls of it, but I stopped at one bowl.

I think my goal is to do the 1,600 calories/day for 7 days in a row. I will reevaluate where I am next Monday. I know I work at the movie theatre this weekend, so that will tempt me some. The french fries there are fantastic, and you could be working, walk past the kitchen area and swipe a handful of them without even thinking about it. Do that about 5 times during your shift and you’ve had about 1,000 empty calories.

I’ve been giving myself permission to eat what I’ve wanted on weekends. Even if I was eating lower calorie/lower fat foods, I was still eating way too much. And then, at the last minute, I’d allow myself those fries, or maybe I’d heat up some of those frozen White Castle mini-burgers on a Sunday night while watching the Eagles-Giants game. Or eat a bag of Trader Joe’s Hawaiian Style Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips while watching The Simpsons. Or three Jose Ole’ Beef & Cheese Taco’s while watching Family Guy.

So now, no more permission for this weekend. And in reality, with the way I have my life scheduled, if I do this I should be good through next Thursday. My life is regimented during the weeks, with my 10 hour work days and all. Wake up, work, come home, run, cook dinner, eat, watch some tv/do chores, go to bed. Monday through Thursday. It is the weekends that I need to work on, and it starts now (I was so going to use "The Revolution Starts Now" from Steve Earle as the title of this post, but him selling it to Chevrolet made me like that song less...so a Panic! at the Disco lyric was a better choice."

It also might be easier for me to work on it knowing that in 4 weeks from tomorrow I will be off for a 3 week trip to Thailand, where I will eat good food and not run. Too hot, and I’ll be too busy in Thailand. And I'll be on vacation. Unlike the last few years, though, once I get back from Thailand, my next trip will be maybe in August to Edmonton, and that is it. I need to spend time at home, fixing the home up and spending money on the home. Notice a theme here?

I ran 3.1 miles Monday, but I’ve slowly been getting some flu-like symptoms, and I’ve had some breathing problems. I’ve had a scratchy throat and I’ve been phlegmy and stuff, so my lungs were not doing as well yesterday. I only was able to run for 2.5 miles in my allotted 30 minutes, and I was breathing hard doing it. I’m OK with the 2.5 miles, but I hope to be able to do over 3 miles on a regular basis.

I have also done a good job getting started on one of my resolutions, getting more organized. I have worked on getting all the excess crap off my computer, all the important stuff backed up and I've saved 40 GB of hard drive space. I have a 200 GB USB back up drive that I will install as well. I've cleaned the kitchen up and my laundry area is almost clean. I don't live in filth, just in clutter. The laundry area was full of clean clothes. I clean then, pile them up, and then wear them, instead of folding them and putting them away. I need to work on the putting them away part.

I am happy with the progress I've made so far - not all at once, but at least it is a start.

No new haircut ideas as of yet. I don't think I'll get to that until after Thailand as I am going to go lollipop for Thailand.

“Hah,” Said Elphaba, “That’ll be the day,” and that was that about that.

2007-01-08T12:08:00.000-08:00

I am just disgusted with myself. I ate horribly this past weekend. I did get back up to 3.1 miles in 30 minutes on Saturday, but the food I ate was just so bad. Or just so good but bad for me. Fuck it, I don’t want to talk about it now.

Dilemma time for me. Getting into our way back machine, let me take you back to heady days of 1991, February to be exact. I was in college, a small, Christian, liberal arts college in Pennsylvania in a small, Christian, conservative town in the middle of nowhere. George Bush was president, and we were at war in Iraq. How things change, eh?

My first boyfriend Sean & I had just broken up at the end of January. I was sad, even though I was the one who kind of started the break up (and actually had cheated on him a few months prior, so he thought we needed a break up.) It was one of those things where we fought a lot and didn’t seem to be getting along too well at the time, and we were young, so we broke up. The difference between then & today is there was no internet, or gay/straight alliances at the school, no real support for gay people. On top do that, with it being a small town, there were no gay bars anywhere around, and even if there were, Sean was 17, so he had nowhere else to go to meet guys but the college.

I wasn’t “out” to a lot of the students at the school. I was one of the proverbial “Big Fish in the Small Pond” guys: editor of yearbook, president of one association, vice president of another couple associations, acted in all the theatre productions, lettered in tennis for a couple of years. I told most of my professors that I was gay, and some of my friends knew, but most of them didn’t exactly know, though they suspected. Again, there were no Gay-Straight Alliances back then, or at least not in small, liberal arts, Christian colleges in the middle of cow country Pennsylvania. It was much more of the dark ages then. On top of that, AIDS was still regarded as only a gay disease, and it was still a death sentence.

One person who did know I was gay was Adam, another queer. He lived in same dorm as me, and we knew we were gay. There was no attraction there, so nothing ever happened between us, but we’d talk from time to time. He & I hung out in different crowds, which is tough in a college of about 920 students.

Well, on the Friday night when Sean walked out of my dorm room after we broke up, I had no one else to talk to about it. We had resolved to still be friends, but I needed to talk to someone else about it. My one gay friend had left college for a semester. Gary & I were estranged, and my other close friends, Brad & John had left for the weekend. So I called Adam. And I told him that we’d broken up, crying the whole time (I might have been a drama queen at the time, I’m not sure. Don’t remember.) Adam had met Sean a few times when we’d be around campus together, so he knew him somewhat, it wasn’t like I was telling him for the first time about us being a couple.

The following Friday, Sean & I had planned to go together prior to the break-up to some comedian or magician or some entertainer that was coming to campus. Deciding that we were still able to be friends, he showed up and we went. While there, we sat with a few other friends. Adam came up and sat down with us, and I thought he just didn’t know anyone else so sat with us. It wasn’t like he was invited by any of us sitting at the table. After the show was over, he followed us back to my dorm room, even though I really wanted to talk to Sean alone. When I got back into the room, in front of Sean & Adam, I broke down crying again, and Adam left us alone. Sean & I talked some more, tears were spilt, and life went on.

(What I didn’t notice is that Adam had slipped Sean his phone number sometime in my dorm room while I was crying my eyes out. From what I learned later from Sean, Adam wanted Sean to come back to his room that night, but my crying seemed to end that. This is called foreshadowing kinds. Learn it, love it, live it.)

Sean’s mother was a non-traditional student at the college, and I knew her from being a teacher’s assistant at the time. She knew her son was gay and knew I was gay, and she introduced us. It sounds weird typing that now, but it made sense at the time. She was handicapped and couldn’t walk well or drive a car all the time, so he would often be at the college to pick her up.

One day the next week, I saw Sean’s car in the parking lot, and went to where his mother was studying, but he wasn’t there to pick her up. After a few minutes thinking, I knew where he was. I went up to Adam’s door and knocked and knocked. I might have screamed things and made a complete ass of myself.

I got back to my room 2 floors down and called Adam’s room, and it didn’t pick up (no voice mail in those days.) I called a few more times, no answer. I kept walking across to the bathroom to look out the window and see Sean’s car still in the parking lot, so he was still there. Then it hit me to call the room as if calling form outside of the college, as it made a different ring. Sure enough, Adam answers the phone and I lay into him like a screaming banshee. I am not sure why, to be honest, but I just thought there was something wrong with Sean being in his room.

Long story short, Sean’s fling with Adam lasted a month, and we were back together by the beginning of March. Adam had wanted Sean all to himself, and after my freak-out, I was better with Sean being on campus to see a guy that wasn’t me, and Adam didn’t want Sean to see me at all. Adam was a DJ on the college radio station and even played Prince’s “The Beautiful Ones” as a dedication to Sean one night, right about the time they were breaking up. At the end of the song, Adam even said, quoting the song “Is it him or is it me?” and then said “As Prince said, it is true that ‘The beautiful ones, they hurt you every time.” Sean was in my room at the time, and we giggled over it.

We ended up dating off and on for another 2 years, living together for another year AFTER we broke up, and then, after he moved out, we hooked up from time to time. We are still friends, seeing each other from time to time, but no more hook-ups.

Well, here is my dilemma (long story for short dilemma, eh?). Adam has contacted my friend Carl, a fellow alumnus, through his My Space account and has started asking about me and if I am still “full of rage” (that was his remark) and saying he did things wrong because he was young and stupid and blah blah blah.

I am thinking that he wants to be able to contact me, and the question is do I really want that? I know he was a young guy who made some poor decisions 16 years ago to get some dick, when there was no other easy way to get it back then where we were living. I can’t say I wouldn’t do it at the time, and as I noted, I did cheat on Sean prior to this whole episode (sadly, with someone else I’d already slept with in the past), so I realize the pull of sex on a young gay men, especially when we didn’t have what we all do today.

I didn’t know Adam too well back then, and we obviously were not on speaking terms when I graduated. What good could come from cultivating a friendship with him now? Part of me is guessing that he wants some sort of forgiveness. Do I give that to him to make him feel better, or do I just ignore him and let that little piece of him feel bad forever?

(I will say that I did get a little angry at Adam right now as I was typing this and remembering it. Strange.)

They used to be just like me and you, they used to be sweet little boys. But something went horribly askew

2007-01-05T11:25:00.000-08:00

All was going well yesterday, ate right for breakfast & lunch, got home and ran 2.3 mile sin 24 minutes, and then I got off the treadmill and for some reason was famished. I was actually shaking I was so hungry. I went and ate about 430 calories and nothing too healthy either. Then I went shopping as I was low on some of the essential foods, came home and had another 340 calories. Then I was watching some TV and had another 410 calories. I then had to have my regular ice cream sandwich before I went to bed, even though that is usually my reward for eating well all day (it is a low calorie ice cream sandwich, of course, but it still tastes fantastic) but this time, I just wanted it. I ended the day with just a hair over 2,000 calories, about 2,089 from my calculations.

And it didn’t feel like binge eating. I have done my fair share of binge eating in the past (recent past being the end of last month) and this just felt like I needed the food (except for the ice cream sandwich; that was just indulgence.) I don’t feel fatter than usual today, and actually I am down to 223 lbs as of this morning.

I don’t know where this hunger came, but I was really feeling light headed and famished. I hope I don’t have that problem again, because that was annoying, frustrating and defeating to my goal to lose more weight.

I went out to the store after I ate, and I saw this woman in one of those scooters. She looked to be about mid 40’s, and was morbidly obese, and I just didn’t understand that. Is there really some type of medical problem for people, or are they lazy? Did they eat too much when they were younger, get somewhat fat, then slowed down their metabolism so bad that they were gaining weight at an alarming rate, assumed they had some medical problem, became more immobile due to their weight, and once they became immobile, they gained weight even faster, and now the only way they can go through a store is on a motorized vehicle?

I find that hard to believe that all these morbidly obese people on scooters in stores all have some thyroid problem. I think they could eat less, exercise and lose weight. I do believe that people have a predisposition to be heavier, but they can do something about it. They allow themselves to gain weight. I am predisposed to be heavier, but I know how to stop it. I just don’t think I believe the people who say they have a medical problem are actually doing everything they can in order to lose weight.

Am I wrong here?

Speeding through the universe, thinking is the best way to travel

2007-01-04T09:21:00.000-08:00

Getting back into my routine of running and eating well. Only did 2 miles in 20 minutes again last night on the treadmill, and the ankle is feeling much better. So today, I am going to run 25 minutes, 2.5 miles. And then, the plan is to be back up to 3 miles in 30 minutes by Monday.

I am now having some problems getting up in the mornings. I usually work 10 hour days, and I am at work at 6:45 am, which means I wake up at 5:30 am. I had 10 days off from my regular job, and with the holiday Monday, I only have to work 8 hours per day this week (though I do have to work on Friday, and I DON’T WORK ON FRIDAYS!!). For some reason, when the alarm goes off at 5:30 am this week, I’ve had a habit of turning it off. Not hitting snooze, turning it off.

So now I’ve been getting up around 6:00 or 6:30 am, and not getting to work until 7:30 am or later. I don’t like that at all, when I could be home at 3:30-ish if I’d just wake up, but I can’t seem to do that. I need to work on that. Sleep is as important to good health as eating correctly.

I had Pad Thai last night for dinner, and it made me want to be in Bangkok again so bad. There is this little restaurant I’ve been to in Bangkok that has the best Pad Thai…

Only 5 weeks to go before I leave for Thailand with my nephew. And only 5 weeks and 1 ½ days until we finally reach Bangkok. It is a long flight over the Pacific Ocean, but I have done it before, so I know what to expect – hours and hours of pure boredom! I am interested to see how my nephew handles the trip. He has never taken an airplane before, and I think the long flight will be tough for him.

When I took my niece to Paris, she realized that she had a fear of flying while we were on the plane, and so she decided she would be safer if she just didn’t leave her seat. Not sure what it is she thought that would accomplish, but she wasn’t budging from the seat until we landed at Charles de Gaul Airport (and Newark International Airport on the way back.) What this meant is that she made a point of not drinking anything so that she wouldn’t have to use the restroom.

Thomas isn’t going to have that luxury. Our flight from Chicago to Tokyo is 13 ½ hours. He will have to pee at some point during that flight. Unless he wears a diaper, but I am not sitting next to someone wearing a diaper. At least not if I paid for the ticket.

So far, the US government has not issued a Travel Warning about traveling in Thailand. Travel Warnings are issued when the State Department recommends you avoid a certain country. Lebanon, Algeria, Iran, Haiti, Columbia & Indonesia among others are on that list. A Current Public Announcement has been issued, to expire 01/31/07, for Thailand, and this is an announcement to disseminate information about possible threats to US Citizens that usually regard specific information and specific time frames.

The State Department does advise US citizens “to continue to monitor events closely, to remain indoors when possible, to avoid any large public gatherings, and to exercise discretion when moving about Bangkok.” We will be in Bangkok for like 3 days, so I am alright with that. So far, the trip is still on and I, for one, am very excited about going!